by Jennifer Dyer
At a recent get-together with some friends, some of our kids had an issue. Not a stick-someone’s-head-in-the-toilet-and-post-it-on-YouTube issue, but a little disagreement that left some kids in tears, some in trouble, and most of the adults in confusion. The reasons weren’t important, but I was impressed by the way one mom used the issue to build character in her child.
As we all know, there are multiple sides to every issue. Once the moms got down to the bottom, we realized that some inappropriate “bossiness” had occurred on several sides (which is a huge shock for those of you with tween girls…).
In the aftermath, the mom of one of the involved girls modeled some excellent parenting. She didn’t deny her child’s part in the issue, nor make excuses for the behavior. She didn’t fight with the other moms about it, and she didn’t blame the other kids. She pulled her child aside and spoke to her quietly, so that no one else even noticed. The child was grounded for the incident, but her mother also conveyed to her that it wasn’t necessary to always be the one who is right, nor is it necessary to be the one in control. They had a long dialog about how to treat others and how to interact when disagreements occur.
The mother did not allow her child to toss blame around, either. Instead, she helped her daughter understand how her actions affected others. Later, I saw the girl quietly go to others and apologize, even to some adults.
As this group of kids consists almost entirely of first born children, there are some strong personalities. I had several discussions with my own child about her part in the incident. I conveyed my desire for her to get along with others and how to handle conflict with kindness. We also discussed people’s reactions and how those affected everyone else. We brainstormed ways to react the next time a disagreement occurred. She also owned up to her part, for which I praised her.
As moms, we hope that these little steps toward building character in our children will help them as they prepare for the tumultuous teen years.
Keepin it Real (Formerly Chats with an Old Lady.)
The Squashed Bologna: a slice of life in the sandwich generation.
Tracey Eyster–Be the Mom
Lead Your Family Like Jesus
It's real life with Tricia Goyer
Not Quite Amish
MomLife Boot Camp
JenniferDyerBooks
MomLife Today
MoretoBe.com
Power to Change–FamilyLife Canada
Snarky, meet Grace.
by Jennifer Dyer
Now that eldest has reached the fourth grade, we are dealing with more “mean girl” talk than ever before. Almost every day she comes home and relays a story about someone saying something irritable or snarky to another classmate. Sometimes, it is directed to her.
During one of these discussions, I shook my head. “It makes me so sad you are dealing with this, and it will probably get worse over the next few years.”
“Why, mom?”
“This is the age when kids change a lot and their lives sometimes feel out of control. In order to feel more in control, sometimes people lash out verbally at others.”
We went on to talk about a girl who had hurt her feelings that day. While I acknowledged eldest’s emotional pain, I urged her to look at the other angles of the situation. “Why do you think she would say something like that? Do you think she felt threatened? Do you think she might feel like you don’t like her enough, so she is trying to show that her feelings aren’t hurt even though they really are?”
She tilted her head at my convoluted explanation. “But it was mean.”
“Yes, but we never know what is going on with her otherwise, in the other areas of her life. Maybe her home life is a big mess, so she is acting out, trying to work out her frustration.”
A few days later, eldest came home with another report. “You were right about that girl. She has all kinds of problems. She said none of us could imagine what she has been through.”
I asked, “Did you tell her she was right, that none of you could imagine what she feels like, but that you would be there to listen if she needed it?”
I could see her mind working that one over. “Hmmm… No, she announced that and ran away.”
A few days later she came home and reported more of the story. The girl had opened up to some of the other girls and began to share her feelings. Some of the rude sarcasm has faded and the girl is trying harder to be friends rather than get into fights. She is working with the girls rather than against them, so to speak. Eldest and some of the other girls have tried to reach out to her in kindness and compassion.
Sadly, bullying and rudeness don’t always have such an easy solution, but I’m so glad compassion toward others has helped to solve a lot of issues at my daughter’s school. This instance was not the only one that my daughter has reported. Each time, I commiserate or even relate a similar instance from my own childhood, but then we go on to discuss why the people might act that way. We focus on compassion and even pray for that person. Each time, my daughter has come home later to report that things have smoothed over with the different girls. Fortunately, I am not the only mother working on this attitude with their kids. Compassion and understanding seems to be a dominant trait in this grade. That makes a huge difference.
Tween and teen years are so stressful! If more kids were able to give each other grace, I wonder if the years would be just a bit less tumultuous…
Happy days, my friends!