Tag Archive for discipline

05 Jun 2012
character building/discipline • Parenting • Tweens

Teaching character through writing.

by Jennifer Dyer

When I picked up eldest after school the other day, she slumped into the car and folded her arms across her chest. Meanwhile her two younger cousins trudged across the field carrying multiple heavy bags full of the school’s gerbil and her accoutrements.

“Honey, go help your cousins.”

Eldest had suddenly gone deaf. Not even a eye twitch to show she had heard me. I repeated myself. Three times, the last without the “honey.” Nothing. Either she had lost both eardrums or she was ignoring me.

By this time, her cousins were getting close. She was watching them, resisting my mother-commands, hoping they would get to the car before I figured out she still had perfect hearing.

Hmm. I looked her in the eye with my mother beam-of-doom. “Go. Help. Them.”

She scowled at me, narrowed her eyes, huffed, and flounced out off the car, stopping only to glare at me through the window.

Really…?

I waited until we got home to whisper in her ear. “We are going to have a little talk in a few minutes.”

She gave me big innocent eyes. “Whatever for?”

I smiled. She knew perfectly well what we would talk about, and she could just stew about it for a while.

After her cousins had gone their separate ways, I sat her down. Dad was behind me, being the muscle and cracking his knuckles. (Okay, not really, but it is a funny picture…)

Anyway, I told her she was going to write me an essay–a blog, in today’s terms.

Her jaw fell open. “But that’s what you do.” (Apparently, anything a tween’s mom does is automatically relegated to acts-of-un-coolness.) Oh well, doesn’t bother me. I forged on.

“I want one sheet of paper written on why you should help others, and what God says about helping others.”

She exhaled.

“And.”

Her head shot up. “And?”

“Yes, and I want another one-page report/blog/essay/paper on why you should respect your parents, again noting what the Bible has to say about that.”

Groan. She immediately developed a limp, but managed to get up the stairs to her room.

As soon as she was out of earshot, hubby high-fived me. (Who knew parents carried on like that?) “Nice one. You know how she feels about writing.”

It took her quite a while to get the writing done, but she turned in a nice paper. I resisted the urge to edit it–that wasn’t the point, after all. Plus, I don’t want to deter her from writing. On the contrary, writing is a nice way to think through issues, and I wanted to provide her with that chance.

So, I’m looking forward to future reports. Someday she might have a blog entitle, “Things my mother made me write about.” :-)

| No comments | Tags: , , , ,
30 May 2012
Moms • Parenting • Teens • Tweens

Rescue or push toward maturation? A mother’s quandary.

by Jennifer Dyer

The Alamo

Last night. Bedtime.

“Mom, my class is signing yearbooks tomorrow. Where is mine?” eldest, my fourth grader, asked.

“It’s your yearbook. Where is it?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Her eyes fluttered. She stared at her shoes and sighed.

“Where do you think it is?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I can’t find it.”

There was more, but she wasn’t spilling. This was getting us nowhere and it was almost time for bed. “When did you last see it?”

Her bottom lip quivered. “I took it to my friend’s house this weekend. I’m sure I packed it, but I can’t find it.”

“You can’t find it, or you mean you are pretty sure that you left it at your friend’s house?”

“Maybe,” she said.

My mind churned: Hadn’t I suggested that you not take that book with you this weekend? In fact, I suggested you leave it in your backpack so it would be there when it was time for signing. That friend lives 70 miles away. I asked you three times before we left her house if you had everything. Arggghhh!

Fortunately, my mouth’s filter caught those words before they spilled out.

After I worked past my irritation, my heart went out to her. She looked so pitiful. Always the rescuer, my mind spun with solutions, including buying another year book. But I stopped before I said anything.

Hmm. Fourth grade is a much better age to learn about responsibility than later in life. Yes, it will be sad for her not to have the book signed with all her other friends, but she made the choice to take it to someone’s house and not make certain it was in her possession when she left. She made the choice to ignore her mother’s solid gold advice. :-) If she faces consequences that she will remember, she will be less likely to do this in the future.

So, I put on my sad face. “Get some craft paper. Your friends can sign that. You’ll have to stick it into your yearbook later.”

As hard as it was for me not to rescue, I’m thankful I stuck to my plan of helping her mature. Sometimes it is easier to look at short term problems and not look at the long term benefits/consequences. I am thankful the Lord gave me wisdom once again!

May you have a wise day, my friends.

| No comments | Tags: , , ,
07 Dec 2010
Autism

Discipline and autism—it doesn’t always make sense.

By Jennifer Dyer

The other day in Rachel’s special needs gymnastics class, I had a great discussion with one of the moms about discipline, specifically regarding tantrums.

Common sense says to intervene in a tantrum, especially if the child needs to be moved. Screaming in the living room? Go to your room if you want to cry. Screaming at bedtime? Shut the door and give consequences if the behavior continues. Refusing to go to school? Perhaps a swat or some other consequence. Screaming in a grocery store? More of the above…

But what about when an autistic child is having the tantrum? The other mom and I agreed that sometimes intervening only exacerbates the situation. In both of our cases, touching or trying to move our autistic child during a tantrum is asking for a back injury and a longer tantrum.

It was interesting that the next day featured one of THOSE kinds of mornings. Rachel didn’t want to get out of bed. Each time I went to her room and talked to her she snarled and fussed at me like the grouchy lioness I’d just seen at the circus. I kept trying, but Rachel kept getting more irritated.  She finally dashed into my closet and set up camp in there. And she had no intentions of leaving. Ever.

Eldest and I tried and tried to get Rachel out of that closet, but she wasn’t budging. I called a neighbor to take eldest to school and then I thought about what to do next. I pray for wisdom all the time and at that moment I felt as though I should get my dishes done. I called Rachel’s teacher then tackled the kitchen sink. About half an hour later I heard Rachel cooing in her bed. I put on a smile and told her it was time for school. Would you believe she stood up, grabbed blankie and headed for the car? I stared after her. Was this the same child from earlier? It was as if she had switched personalities. And all of this happened AFTER I left her alone—i.e. without any nagging and intervention from moi.

We arrived at school an hour late, and Rachel walked in as if nothing had happened. Why? I have no idea.

I worry that I spoil her when I let her get those tantrums out of her system, but when I ignore her they end faster and she takes less time to recover. Plus, she is unable to communicate her needs. At times like this one I must take a step back and think about all the reasons Rachel may have issues. Maybe she was cold all night, but her sensory system had just now registered it. Maybe her throat hurt and she didn’t know how to handle it. Maybe those Ritz crackers she snuck the other day were just hitting her system and making her feel out of control. It could be anything and maybe in ten years she will be able to tell me why. But in the mean time I have learned that sometimes the best intervention is taking a step back and re-evaluating my next move.

| No comments | Tags: , , , ,