Archive for Tweens

01 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why am I blue? Understanding life’s changes and the emotions they evoke.

by Jennifer Dyer

My subconscious is smarter than I am.

This past week I’ve been on edge. One moment, I want to yell and rant and the next I’m wishing to hide under my covers and never come out. While I am usually pretty driven to accomplish, I feel like a balloon drifting over a windless desert.

So, today, I spent some time praying and asked God what was wrong with me. “Why am I so blue?” Some of it is hormones, those lovely horrible moans that take a perfectly sane woman and turn her into a raving monster for a day or two every month. But I knew it had to be something deeper, something more serious adding to my mental disarray.

As I prayed, I thought about the time of year–it’s May. And every May I go through this. Panic attacks, scattered thoughts, anxiety, over-thinking, on edge, depressed, and fearful. Though it has lessened over the last five or so years, I still feel it.

Why?

My subconscious has already realized what the rest of me is slower on picking up: School is about to be out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having the girls home. I enjoy long summer days, swimming, playing, sleeping in, the feeling of potential each morning when a day is filled with unknown adventures. And I am so, so thankful I can be with them during their breaks.

But I also know that I am on the clock all the time. Not only for eldest with her needs for a close relationship with her mother, but also for Rachel and all the demands that go with having a special needs child.

Errands that I run during the school year will include Rachel during the summer. Don’t get me wrong. I love taking her places, but its easier when I don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Each trip to the store usually involves some sort of incident like the hand sanitizer debacle yesterday, which is a story for another time.

I also feel like I’m not doing enough, especially for Rachel. She needs constant speech therapy, but I have never figured out how to be therapist and mother. She needs consistency and a firm routine. Not easy for the creative and scattered mind of her mama.

I need quiet, at least part of the day, or I cannot think straight. As it is, my brain is usually half lost in a project, and I have difficulty keeping my feet in both worlds. And neither remains dormant.

Here’s the interesting thing. This panicked feeling usually lasts until about the second week of summer. Then I adjust to the new routine and we have a great time.

In August I go through it all over again because my babies are back in school and away from me for most of the day.

I feel better just knowing what is bothering me. It’s like a weight has already been lifted. When the anxious feelings come, I think of the fun times we had last summer and focus there instead of worry that I will be so exhausted I will drop where I stand. And I remind myself to cherish each MOMent because they often pass too quickly.

How about you? Is your self conscious sometimes ahead of you?

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29 Apr 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • religion • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why I listen to Christian music.

by Jennifer Dyer

Free song download on Air1

Music feeds the soul.

The more I ponder this, the more I believe it. Songs I heard years ago will pop up in my head at the most unexpected times. Or, how about those catchy melodies that get stuck in your head so deep that only a diabolical Sudoku puzzle can root it out? Music can bring us out of the depths of depression and can cause us to celebrate.

But music can also feed the darkness inside of us, can bring us lower, possibly carry us into the depths of depression.

Music gets into our hearts and stays there. It lays down superhighways of connections in our minds. Even when terrible brain damage renders a person unable to speak, they often can sing. Music, even without lyrics, moves us, can bring us to tears, or make us dance. Music feeds and fills our souls.

As for my title and the mention of Christian music, I hope it didn’t throw you. The term “Christian music” is a rather odd one because many types of music can be Christian even if not expressly so, but the term serves its purpose in categorizing information.

I want to take a deeper look at it, though. When I say Christian music, I mean lyrics written with a Christian world view in mind and with the intent to glorify God. Does this mean every song is expressly about scripture? No. Nor is every song preachy. The songs can be about love, about disappointment, or in the case of one of my fav songs Hold Me Now by Red, the song can be about feeling lost and scared as a little kid.

The world of Christian music is as varied at the other world of musicians out there, with talented artists offering a multitude of styles and listening choices.

But what I love is how the music feeds my soul. It doesn’t feed the confusion trying to clog my thoughts, or on the desperate desire of all people to love and be loved by the elusive perfect person, nor does it feed hate, fighting, anger, depression, or lust.

Music lyrics written from a Christian world view feed the place in our souls only fulfilled by knowing God, our savior Jesus. Different songs feed the soul with scripture, love poems, hope, peace, joy, grace, and the amazing love of the Almighty God who was willing to die a horrible death so that we could know him in eternity.

Furthermore, I have seen how listening to music affects my children. Rachel, even though her autism renders her almost unable to speak, clings to songs in my iPod written by Newsboys, Michael W. Smith, Toby Mac, and City on a Hill. The music feeds her soul on a level even I cannot reach.

As for Eldest, in addition to growing spiritually, she has learned so much from some of the Christian artists she loves. Adoption from Toby Mac, caring for the poor and orphans from Audio Adrenaline, and how to care for a depressed friend from Skillet.

And the music is available almost everywhere. Check out KLOVE and, my fav, its edgier sister station Air1. Not only does the music feed my soul, but so do their DJ’s. They are fun, talk about the amazing grace of Jesus, and also raise awareness about the poor, Compassion International, Water for Life, orphans, the religious persecuted in the world and a host of other information.

Any music can bring up a problem. Christian music gives us an answer.

How about you? What feeds your soul?

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22 Apr 2013
Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Someday, a mom’s poem.


By Jennifer Dyer

Someday I will walk without sticking to my floors.
Someday I will leave a room and return to find it the same as I left it.
Someday I will shower without little hands banging on the door.
Someday I will potty without a posse of little helpers.
Someday I will walk through a store without Cheerios stuck to my rear.

Someday I will look back and laugh.

Someday I will listen for laughter and hear silence.

Someday I will wish for another moment, another cuddle, another hug.

In light of someday, I will cherish today.

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17 Apr 2013
Autism • Current events • Moms • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Tweens

Being, not doing

By Jennifer Dyer

This weekend I attended MomLife BootCamp and was blessed to hear from so many moms with hearts for Jesus and for their families.

One of the topics Tracey Eyster of Be the Mom spoke about was being, not doing.

Her talk sparked lots of discussion, and I was planning to go into more of that today.

But in light of the tragic bombing in Boston, I wanted to ask you to join me in “being” at the throne of grace today and asking God to be with the people affected by this tragedy.

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15 Apr 2013
character building/discipline • Moms • Parenting • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Teaching your daughter purity.

by Jennifer Dyer

This weekend I attended the MomLife Bootcamp retreat at Pine Cove Camp. I loved meeting so many amazing moms and hearing from the variety of wise speakers.

In light of this, I wanted to share a link with you by Dannah Gresh from the True Woman conference talking about “What Children Need To Become Pure and Holy Adults.” (*Note: you need to scroll down to the breakout sessions list and find the above title “What children need to become pure and holy adults.” You can watch a short interview, but you can listen and/or read the presentation transcript.)

Dannah has so much wisdom to share, I hope you will check out her presentation and check out her Facebook page, her books, Secret Keeper Girl and Pure Freedom.

May we live pure and free lives in the grace of our Lord Jesus, my dear friends. And may we teach our children well.

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10 Apr 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Tweens

Life Adapted–game playing with my daughter with autism.

by Jennifer Dyer

I’m starting a blogging series entitled Life Adapted revolving around raising our daughter with autism. Most days I feel overwhelmed by life, and I’m never quite sure I make the right parenting calls, whether I am dealing with my “typical” tween or my younger daughter who is on the severe side of the autism spectrum.

According to almost all moms I’ve met, feeling overwhelmed and unsure is normal. Hugs for us all!

That being said, I have a few experiences not every mom with a special needs child has been afforded, and I want to share in case it will help others.

As a speech-language pathologist, I was trained to look at every activity with someone on my caseload in mind. How can I adapt this to meet _____ goals? Most of the time it involves rethinking the purpose of a game or object and being flexible with the rules, the same way one might modify a recipe to accommodate a food allergy.

Over the years I’ve used this thinking with Rachel, sometimes to the frustration of everyone, but sometimes… Sometimes things are beautiful. I will be spending the next several months sharing ideas that I hope will bring your family or school as many smiles and hugs as they have ours.

Today, I want to talk about playing ball. Four Square to be exact.

Sunday evening this past week was beautiful. Not too windy, not too cold, yet not warm enough to bring out the mosquitoes. Perfect.

As a family we ventured outside. The goal in my mind was to have Rachel stay around us and to enjoy family time. While Eldest and I bounced the ball around, Rachel picked leaves off the bushes. (Okay, not a productive activity, but my goal was for Rachel to stay by us and those bushes needed pruning. If I started hounding her she would have run off.)

After a few minutes, Rachel ventured to the driveway and glanced at the ball. My mommy sense told me she wanted to play, but the rules for Four Square were too complicated for her to follow. I also sensed if I made a big deal of her joining us she would run away.

I asked Eldest to bounce the ball slowly to Rachel. When Rachel caught the ball, we all cheered. We encouraged Rachel to bounce the ball to Dad. From there we took turns bouncing the ball, rolling the ball, and kicking the ball to each other. Rachel didn’t always catch the ball and didn’t follow the order in which we were throwing, but perfect ball skills weren’t the goal. The goal was participation and fun.

Goal achieved!

At one point, Eldest sighed. “Are we going to go back to playing?”

“We are playing, just with less complicated rules.” It took her a moment to decide she was OK with the change, but she got into the spirit. We had a precious time, laughing, talking, and playing ball.

This isn’t just for dealing with children with autism. Activities can be modified for younger family members and people who have mobility issues. This same concept can help kids in a school setting incorporate their peers with special needs. The important thing is the “rules” of the game aren’t as important as participation.

In this way, everybody has fun. There is a time for competition and there is a time for compassion and love.

The best part? The last two nights Rachel has slept with her arms wrapped around one of our Four Square balls. And that is beautiful.

Up next: Life Adapted–dinner time.

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08 Apr 2013
character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Teens • Tweens

Bullying: a guide to survival from a victim’s perspective.

Over on More to Be, I wrote about surviving bullying from the perspective of a person who had been through extreme bullying and not only survived, but has devoted a part of her life to helping people overcome the painful moments in their lives.

Join me on More to Be and Be part of the conversation:

http://www.moretobe.com/2013/04/01/bullies-and-perspective-gained-from-a-victim/

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01 Apr 2013
Book Reviews • character building/discipline • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

How are you leading your family/ iPad Mini GIVEAWAY from TriciaGoyer & RSVP for a Live Webcast Event

Enter Today – 3/25- 4/16!
LEAD YOUR FAMILY LIKE JESUS BY KEN BLANCHARD, PHIL HODGES & TRICIA GOYER IPAD GIVEAWAY
Moms, mark your calendars. Join Tricia Goyer and Tracey Eyster on April 16 at 8 pm for the Lead, Momma Lead webcast event featuring wisdom from the soon-to-be-released book Lead Your Family Like Jesus (LYFLJ). Tracey and Tricia are both moms with decades of momming experience and a wealth of wisdom to share. Don’t miss out!

And speaking of LYFLJ…

Parenting is hard. I make mistakes all the time. The other night Eldest lost her temper with Rachel. Part of me understood. Rachel often insists on having things her way and will fight to keep them that way. Whether it is due to autism or personality, I don’t know, but interactions with Rachel can be stressful.

As the fight progressed, Eldest called for reinforcements, “Mom!”

I had HAD IT. Instead of keeping my ego and temper in check and going to speak to them face to face, I yelled back that I was coming and I was busy and I was sick and tired of the yelling.

Whoops.

Eldest hid in the closet. I wanted to take a field trip to the beach by myself…but, thankfully, my brain rewound the last few minutes. I was the adult and I had modeled the behavior that was driving me crazy. Furthermore, I demanded a behavior (calm and compassion), but refused to be obedient to the same principle. In other words, I’d blown it. I needed to apologize.

When I did apologize, Eldest didn’t want to talk to me. My insides heated up. First she yells and now she rejects me when I’m trying to do the right thing? How dare she not respond to me? I am her mother! She should respect me!

And then I took another thinking break. What is one of the big principles in LYFLJ? Oh, yes. Get rid of ego…

I was a textbook case of letting my ego get in the way of love.

So, I did my best to respond in love. She still rejected me, but I was the adult, so I had to act like it. A few hours later, she came down and apologized from her heart, something that would not have occurred had I demanded it or fussed at her because she was not giving me the honor I felt I deserved.

Obedience is a matter of the heart–the parent’s heart and the child’s. In the Focus on the Family interview about LYFLJ, Phil Hodges stated, “Obedience is wanting to do that which you are required to do because of the one who asked you … That’s building a relationship with God, but it first comes from building a relationship with parents.”

The issue isn’t about forcing compliance, it is more about teaching children internal motivation toward obedience. And part of that is me modeling obedience. In everything I do, I model behavior for my children, whether good or bad. Do I tell the truth or do I lie? Do I obey speeding laws even when I am late, or do I make my own rules? If I want my children to follow God’s rules, I have to follow rules too.

Ken Blanchard added, “Obedience is not about control, it’s about a relationship.”

This goes back to getting my ego out of the way. Instead of coming at issues with a prideful attitude, I have to approach situations with love and wisdom. I have to take the time to put my family ahead of my ego, my self, and my internal selfishness.
Yeah, not easy. But most things that are worthwhile take effort and sacrifice.

How about you? What kind of parenting tips do you have for drawing closer to your family?

For more, listen to the Focus on the Family radio interview with Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges, and Tricia Goyer. Click here to see the current offer to receive a copy of the LYFLJ book with any donation to Focus.

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27 Feb 2013
character building/discipline • Friendship • Parenting • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Despite the thanks.

by Jennifer Dyer

The other day, Eldest and I did a favor for someone and received no thanks. Again. It wasn’t the first time we have helped that person and won’t be the last. Lack of thanks seems to be the long-term forecast.

When the two of us were alone, Eldest exhaled. “She never takes the time to say thanks, not even once. It gets old.”

In my head, I said, “Amen, sister!” Thankfully, my interior Ms. Snarky-Pants kept her mouth shut. Instead, I prayed for wisdom. “I understand how you feel. I often feel that way too.”

“Then why do we keep doing it?” she asked.

Help me here, Lord, because I don’t want to help this person anymore, either. Ms. Snarky-Pants and the rest of me are tired of being nice. Something I recently read came to mind: Matthew 5:46. In my words it says: “What reward do you get if you only love those who love you?” I told Eldest, “Jesus wants us to be nice to people, despite the thanks, just as he is nice to us despite what we do.”

So, yes, Eldest and I decided to continue on, both of us wrestling at different times with the person’s selfish attitude. At times, I’m the one who wants to grumble. At times it’s Eldest. But between the two of us, we press on.

Have you recently done a favor and received no thanks for it? Or how about done something nice and had the situation blow up in your face–”no good deed goes unpunished”? Does it help to know that God blesses us when we bless others in spite of their actions?

Hugs to you, my friends. Press on.

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20 Feb 2013
Friendship • Moms • Parenting • Teens • Tweens

Taking time for what’s important.

by Jennifer Dyer

Yesterday, the girls and I headed out to run some errands on their day off from school. My cell rang. I felt eldest’s eyes on me as I picked up the phone and set it down again, without answering.

“Why didn’t you answer that?” she asked.

I shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of the situation. “Because I’m with you two right now. I want to make spending time with you a priority. That means letting other things go.”

She sighed. “I’m glad you do that.” (Yes, I was shocked at her approving tone, but even more by what she said next.) “Those people need you, but we need you more. I don’t mind when people call you with quick questions, but I don’t like it when you are on the phone for a long time. It makes me sad and nervous.” She went on to talk about how busy she is as she gets older and how little time we have with each other as the years go on.

Wow. Deep insights from my pre-teen…

She was right on so many levels. Yes, it’s true that my life should not revolve around my children. They don’t need to be the center of anyone’s universe, but they feel secure when they know they are important. Taking a call from a friend just to chat on that day would have sent the wrong message. Time and focused attention are keys to bonding with people, especially my children.

Have you ever been in a store and had to wait while the cashier in front of you answers a long call or even leaves her station to hunt around the sales racks for the person on the phone? How did you feel? Usually, I am tempted to leave. I was the one who actually came to the store. The person on the phone is the one, in my mind, who should wait.

How much more do our families feel when we don’t make time for them? I don’t want my children looking back on their lives feeling they had to wait while I yakked into a phone with someone else.

So often, what is unimportant and temporary infringes on the few precious moments that will be important in years to come. Sure, what my daughters and I talked about might not matter a year from now, but being close to my daughters will matter my entire life. If I am always occupied with the urgent and not prioritizing, I will miss out.

So, if I don’t answer your calls, I might be bonding with my kids. And/or I might not be able to find my phone.

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