Archive for Special Needs

13 May 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • Moms • Special Needs • Spiritual Life

Your mother bear is showing.

by Jennifer Dyer

I’m having one of those mother bear days.

I try to be a “go with the flow” kind of person, to model that attitude for my kids, but sometimes the flow seems more like a tidal wave of things rushing in a different direction than they should. I feel like The Hulk–trying to be mild mannered, but something happens that I perceive as a possible threat to my children and WHAM! I morph into this wild roaring maniac.

 

I try to keep her caged inside me. Even if she is growling and ranting, I try to filter Mother Bear Hulk’s roars into something more moderate. But when too many things happen at once, I let loose of her chains … and my mouth.

The mother bear triggers are different for all of us, and we should be advocates for our children, but it is better to do it without leaving a trail of detritus scattered on a path behind.

So, after my mother bear moment with both Rachel’s school and her doctor’s office (three incidents in the same morning…) I felt wrung out, a branch stripped of leaves after a storm. I realized I was running without fuel.

I retreated to my room to read my Bible and get some perspective, which I probably should have done first.

As I settled into reading from the Psalms, I thought about the reasons why I need to spend time reading God’s word daily. It isn’t so I can get an “A” from God for being a top student. I need it because my soul thirsts and hungers for encouragement, for the truth, for intimacy with God. I need it like a soldier needs armor. A soldier doesn’t go into battle without training, without understanding how to use whatever tools she needs to complete her mission.

I need God’s Word like a sunburn needs aloe vera. I need God’s grace like seeds need water to grow. It is where I find my balance, where I find what feeds and nourishes my soul.

As an aside, I recently wrote about feeding my soul through Christian music. As I read through Psalm 61-64, words from songs penned from within those same verses echoed in my heart. Instead of eating sandwich bread out of a bag while standing at the kitchen sink, I was eating warm fresh rolls in a cozy bakery enveloped in the nutty, buttery scent of baking loaves and croissants.

However, whenever, you can feed your soul on God’s Word, do. It will always be time well spent.

May you find yourselves awash in God’s grace and may your souls be well fed this week, my friends.

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08 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Spiritual Life

Enduring defeat.

by Jennifer Dyer

As the mother of a child with special needs, defeat is often my companion. In some ways, I have accepted the pace of growth for Rachel, but there are often days where I realize she has been left behind yet again by her peers. The pain seizes my heart and tries to choke off my joy.

Sometimes, though, disappointment and defeat don’t relate back to autsim. Sometimes I feel I failed in some other areas. Or something I hoped for doesn’t happen.

Whatever the case, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts enough to make me want to quit, be it writing, cooking, caring, or feeling. Sometimes I want to crawl under the bed and hide.

So, today, when a disappointment hit me and the desire for retreat engulfed me, I had to stop. Instead of wallowing in the moment, tossing my latest project in the trash, and throwing a big pity party, I thought about the big picture, about an eternal perspective.

I prayed, “Lord, I trust you with this failure. I trust you even in this. I’m not sure what your plans are, but I trust you with my future.”

And I felt relieved.

Did God need me to pray this?

No. God is infinite. Jesus is complete. I cannot fathom His needs, if He has any. He is complete whether I trust Him or not. But as a mom, I can understand the joy of watching my children trust me.

Furthermore, I had to say that for myself. I needed to hear it. I needed to remind myself that I did believe God is in charge. Sometimes I hold things so tightly that my desires crumble in my grip. Instead, I should hold everything with an open hand and trust God with what happens next.

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06 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs

Life adapted: soap and shower gel.

By Jennifer Dyer

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Rachel loves shower gel. She loves it so much, in fact, that we might go through two bottles per day.

I tried watching her, even not letting her shower alone. I’ve also tried over the last four years to teach her how much gel to use with each shower.

But she insists. I think some if it is due to her obsessive compulsive nature, in addition to the autism, anxiety, and apraxia that cloud her mind and communication.

If Rachel opens something, whether it be a container of lemonade, glue, or soap, she wants it finished, empty, and discarded (sometimes into the carpet) so she can move on to the next thing. Other people I have known with OCD tendencies say this is common.

But the constant waste does little for my own anxiety. Understanding where she is coming from helps a great deal. And so does finding solutions to help us both.

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In the shower, I installed a second shower caddy above the shower, about 7′ high. I have to stand on tippy toes to reach everything, but it helps.

I try to put a little bit of gel in the containers she can freely reach, a trick I learned from Grandma. I also continue to show her by modeling how much soap to use and verbally prompting.

In my case, at least, Rachel likes to learn the rules for how things work, but I have to remember sometimes it takes years to teach her a concept.

Sometimes the years part gets to me. But have you ever wondered about God’s patience with us? I’ve struggled with some of the same issues for years. Yet God is far more patience with me than I am with my own children. And that is something for which I am thankful.

Lord, thank you for your patience!

How about you?

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01 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why am I blue? Understanding life’s changes and the emotions they evoke.

by Jennifer Dyer

My subconscious is smarter than I am.

This past week I’ve been on edge. One moment, I want to yell and rant and the next I’m wishing to hide under my covers and never come out. While I am usually pretty driven to accomplish, I feel like a balloon drifting over a windless desert.

So, today, I spent some time praying and asked God what was wrong with me. “Why am I so blue?” Some of it is hormones, those lovely horrible moans that take a perfectly sane woman and turn her into a raving monster for a day or two every month. But I knew it had to be something deeper, something more serious adding to my mental disarray.

As I prayed, I thought about the time of year–it’s May. And every May I go through this. Panic attacks, scattered thoughts, anxiety, over-thinking, on edge, depressed, and fearful. Though it has lessened over the last five or so years, I still feel it.

Why?

My subconscious has already realized what the rest of me is slower on picking up: School is about to be out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having the girls home. I enjoy long summer days, swimming, playing, sleeping in, the feeling of potential each morning when a day is filled with unknown adventures. And I am so, so thankful I can be with them during their breaks.

But I also know that I am on the clock all the time. Not only for eldest with her needs for a close relationship with her mother, but also for Rachel and all the demands that go with having a special needs child.

Errands that I run during the school year will include Rachel during the summer. Don’t get me wrong. I love taking her places, but its easier when I don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Each trip to the store usually involves some sort of incident like the hand sanitizer debacle yesterday, which is a story for another time.

I also feel like I’m not doing enough, especially for Rachel. She needs constant speech therapy, but I have never figured out how to be therapist and mother. She needs consistency and a firm routine. Not easy for the creative and scattered mind of her mama.

I need quiet, at least part of the day, or I cannot think straight. As it is, my brain is usually half lost in a project, and I have difficulty keeping my feet in both worlds. And neither remains dormant.

Here’s the interesting thing. This panicked feeling usually lasts until about the second week of summer. Then I adjust to the new routine and we have a great time.

In August I go through it all over again because my babies are back in school and away from me for most of the day.

I feel better just knowing what is bothering me. It’s like a weight has already been lifted. When the anxious feelings come, I think of the fun times we had last summer and focus there instead of worry that I will be so exhausted I will drop where I stand. And I remind myself to cherish each MOMent because they often pass too quickly.

How about you? Is your self conscious sometimes ahead of you?

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29 Apr 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • religion • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why I listen to Christian music.

by Jennifer Dyer

Free song download on Air1

Music feeds the soul.

The more I ponder this, the more I believe it. Songs I heard years ago will pop up in my head at the most unexpected times. Or, how about those catchy melodies that get stuck in your head so deep that only a diabolical Sudoku puzzle can root it out? Music can bring us out of the depths of depression and can cause us to celebrate.

But music can also feed the darkness inside of us, can bring us lower, possibly carry us into the depths of depression.

Music gets into our hearts and stays there. It lays down superhighways of connections in our minds. Even when terrible brain damage renders a person unable to speak, they often can sing. Music, even without lyrics, moves us, can bring us to tears, or make us dance. Music feeds and fills our souls.

As for my title and the mention of Christian music, I hope it didn’t throw you. The term “Christian music” is a rather odd one because many types of music can be Christian even if not expressly so, but the term serves its purpose in categorizing information.

I want to take a deeper look at it, though. When I say Christian music, I mean lyrics written with a Christian world view in mind and with the intent to glorify God. Does this mean every song is expressly about scripture? No. Nor is every song preachy. The songs can be about love, about disappointment, or in the case of one of my fav songs Hold Me Now by Red, the song can be about feeling lost and scared as a little kid.

The world of Christian music is as varied at the other world of musicians out there, with talented artists offering a multitude of styles and listening choices.

But what I love is how the music feeds my soul. It doesn’t feed the confusion trying to clog my thoughts, or on the desperate desire of all people to love and be loved by the elusive perfect person, nor does it feed hate, fighting, anger, depression, or lust.

Music lyrics written from a Christian world view feed the place in our souls only fulfilled by knowing God, our savior Jesus. Different songs feed the soul with scripture, love poems, hope, peace, joy, grace, and the amazing love of the Almighty God who was willing to die a horrible death so that we could know him in eternity.

Furthermore, I have seen how listening to music affects my children. Rachel, even though her autism renders her almost unable to speak, clings to songs in my iPod written by Newsboys, Michael W. Smith, Toby Mac, and City on a Hill. The music feeds her soul on a level even I cannot reach.

As for Eldest, in addition to growing spiritually, she has learned so much from some of the Christian artists she loves. Adoption from Toby Mac, caring for the poor and orphans from Audio Adrenaline, and how to care for a depressed friend from Skillet.

And the music is available almost everywhere. Check out KLOVE and, my fav, its edgier sister station Air1. Not only does the music feed my soul, but so do their DJ’s. They are fun, talk about the amazing grace of Jesus, and also raise awareness about the poor, Compassion International, Water for Life, orphans, the religious persecuted in the world and a host of other information.

Any music can bring up a problem. Christian music gives us an answer.

How about you? What feeds your soul?

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24 Apr 2013
Autism • Special Needs

Life adapted–Special needs prom

By Jennifer Dyer

If you were invited to a special needs prom, what would you expect to see? Quiet kids, plain snacks, maybe some sedate music, perhaps parents talking?

Then you haven’t seen the special needs prom held in my community.

Nine years ago, a mom decided she wanted to give her son a prom experience, but knew the school prom would be too overwhelming. She put together some ideas and invited her son’s special Olympics team mates.

Since then, the prom has grown to include all the kids with special needs in our community over age 13. Even after the kids graduate, they’re still invited.

The week before the event, a team of volunteers converge on the church’s gym and transform it into a wonderland. This year it was a candy landscape of 3-foot tall gingerbread men, frosted gingerbread houses, giant lollipops, basketball-sized candies, and more.

Add onto that, tables laden with treats, many of them made with special dietary needs in mind. A DJ leads everyone to laugh, hug, dance, cheer, and dance some more.

My favorite moment is when the attendees line up outside the main doors and are introduced like royalty. When they enter the room, dear friends yell, cheer, and greet each other with huge hugs. The crowd of people, those who would be called special and everyone else, mingle together in one sweet group.

Although I was not able to attend this year, Rachel went with hubby. I don’t think she stopped moving and squealing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For months, the community here talks about last year’s prom. When I see some of the people who attend the prom at the store, they stop and hug me, maybe mention something from the last event. The other half of the year, people look forward to next year’s prom. What will the decorations look like? What will they wear?

And it all started with a mom’s desire to make something special for her son. Other talented moms and volunteers have joined her along the way.

Events like this happen with scores of people in the background, but it started with a small spark of an idea, a mom’s heart to do something special.

I hope, in the years to come, other moms will start these kinds of events in their communities and that churches will get behind them, offering space, time, volunteers, and prayer. That people will gather to enjoy a special night with a truly special group of people.

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22 Apr 2013
Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Someday, a mom’s poem.


By Jennifer Dyer

Someday I will walk without sticking to my floors.
Someday I will leave a room and return to find it the same as I left it.
Someday I will shower without little hands banging on the door.
Someday I will potty without a posse of little helpers.
Someday I will walk through a store without Cheerios stuck to my rear.

Someday I will look back and laugh.

Someday I will listen for laughter and hear silence.

Someday I will wish for another moment, another cuddle, another hug.

In light of someday, I will cherish today.

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17 Apr 2013
Autism • Current events • Moms • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Tweens

Being, not doing

By Jennifer Dyer

This weekend I attended MomLife BootCamp and was blessed to hear from so many moms with hearts for Jesus and for their families.

One of the topics Tracey Eyster of Be the Mom spoke about was being, not doing.

Her talk sparked lots of discussion, and I was planning to go into more of that today.

But in light of the tragic bombing in Boston, I wanted to ask you to join me in “being” at the throne of grace today and asking God to be with the people affected by this tragedy.

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10 Apr 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Tweens

Life Adapted–game playing with my daughter with autism.

by Jennifer Dyer

I’m starting a blogging series entitled Life Adapted revolving around raising our daughter with autism. Most days I feel overwhelmed by life, and I’m never quite sure I make the right parenting calls, whether I am dealing with my “typical” tween or my younger daughter who is on the severe side of the autism spectrum.

According to almost all moms I’ve met, feeling overwhelmed and unsure is normal. Hugs for us all!

That being said, I have a few experiences not every mom with a special needs child has been afforded, and I want to share in case it will help others.

As a speech-language pathologist, I was trained to look at every activity with someone on my caseload in mind. How can I adapt this to meet _____ goals? Most of the time it involves rethinking the purpose of a game or object and being flexible with the rules, the same way one might modify a recipe to accommodate a food allergy.

Over the years I’ve used this thinking with Rachel, sometimes to the frustration of everyone, but sometimes… Sometimes things are beautiful. I will be spending the next several months sharing ideas that I hope will bring your family or school as many smiles and hugs as they have ours.

Today, I want to talk about playing ball. Four Square to be exact.

Sunday evening this past week was beautiful. Not too windy, not too cold, yet not warm enough to bring out the mosquitoes. Perfect.

As a family we ventured outside. The goal in my mind was to have Rachel stay around us and to enjoy family time. While Eldest and I bounced the ball around, Rachel picked leaves off the bushes. (Okay, not a productive activity, but my goal was for Rachel to stay by us and those bushes needed pruning. If I started hounding her she would have run off.)

After a few minutes, Rachel ventured to the driveway and glanced at the ball. My mommy sense told me she wanted to play, but the rules for Four Square were too complicated for her to follow. I also sensed if I made a big deal of her joining us she would run away.

I asked Eldest to bounce the ball slowly to Rachel. When Rachel caught the ball, we all cheered. We encouraged Rachel to bounce the ball to Dad. From there we took turns bouncing the ball, rolling the ball, and kicking the ball to each other. Rachel didn’t always catch the ball and didn’t follow the order in which we were throwing, but perfect ball skills weren’t the goal. The goal was participation and fun.

Goal achieved!

At one point, Eldest sighed. “Are we going to go back to playing?”

“We are playing, just with less complicated rules.” It took her a moment to decide she was OK with the change, but she got into the spirit. We had a precious time, laughing, talking, and playing ball.

This isn’t just for dealing with children with autism. Activities can be modified for younger family members and people who have mobility issues. This same concept can help kids in a school setting incorporate their peers with special needs. The important thing is the “rules” of the game aren’t as important as participation.

In this way, everybody has fun. There is a time for competition and there is a time for compassion and love.

The best part? The last two nights Rachel has slept with her arms wrapped around one of our Four Square balls. And that is beautiful.

Up next: Life Adapted–dinner time.

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01 Apr 2013
Book Reviews • character building/discipline • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

How are you leading your family/ iPad Mini GIVEAWAY from TriciaGoyer & RSVP for a Live Webcast Event

Enter Today – 3/25- 4/16!
LEAD YOUR FAMILY LIKE JESUS BY KEN BLANCHARD, PHIL HODGES & TRICIA GOYER IPAD GIVEAWAY
Moms, mark your calendars. Join Tricia Goyer and Tracey Eyster on April 16 at 8 pm for the Lead, Momma Lead webcast event featuring wisdom from the soon-to-be-released book Lead Your Family Like Jesus (LYFLJ). Tracey and Tricia are both moms with decades of momming experience and a wealth of wisdom to share. Don’t miss out!

And speaking of LYFLJ…

Parenting is hard. I make mistakes all the time. The other night Eldest lost her temper with Rachel. Part of me understood. Rachel often insists on having things her way and will fight to keep them that way. Whether it is due to autism or personality, I don’t know, but interactions with Rachel can be stressful.

As the fight progressed, Eldest called for reinforcements, “Mom!”

I had HAD IT. Instead of keeping my ego and temper in check and going to speak to them face to face, I yelled back that I was coming and I was busy and I was sick and tired of the yelling.

Whoops.

Eldest hid in the closet. I wanted to take a field trip to the beach by myself…but, thankfully, my brain rewound the last few minutes. I was the adult and I had modeled the behavior that was driving me crazy. Furthermore, I demanded a behavior (calm and compassion), but refused to be obedient to the same principle. In other words, I’d blown it. I needed to apologize.

When I did apologize, Eldest didn’t want to talk to me. My insides heated up. First she yells and now she rejects me when I’m trying to do the right thing? How dare she not respond to me? I am her mother! She should respect me!

And then I took another thinking break. What is one of the big principles in LYFLJ? Oh, yes. Get rid of ego…

I was a textbook case of letting my ego get in the way of love.

So, I did my best to respond in love. She still rejected me, but I was the adult, so I had to act like it. A few hours later, she came down and apologized from her heart, something that would not have occurred had I demanded it or fussed at her because she was not giving me the honor I felt I deserved.

Obedience is a matter of the heart–the parent’s heart and the child’s. In the Focus on the Family interview about LYFLJ, Phil Hodges stated, “Obedience is wanting to do that which you are required to do because of the one who asked you … That’s building a relationship with God, but it first comes from building a relationship with parents.”

The issue isn’t about forcing compliance, it is more about teaching children internal motivation toward obedience. And part of that is me modeling obedience. In everything I do, I model behavior for my children, whether good or bad. Do I tell the truth or do I lie? Do I obey speeding laws even when I am late, or do I make my own rules? If I want my children to follow God’s rules, I have to follow rules too.

Ken Blanchard added, “Obedience is not about control, it’s about a relationship.”

This goes back to getting my ego out of the way. Instead of coming at issues with a prideful attitude, I have to approach situations with love and wisdom. I have to take the time to put my family ahead of my ego, my self, and my internal selfishness.
Yeah, not easy. But most things that are worthwhile take effort and sacrifice.

How about you? What kind of parenting tips do you have for drawing closer to your family?

For more, listen to the Focus on the Family radio interview with Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges, and Tricia Goyer. Click here to see the current offer to receive a copy of the LYFLJ book with any donation to Focus.

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