Archive for Parenting

22 May 2013
character building/discipline • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens • Uncategorized

Talking to your kids about sex.

by Jennifer Dyer

There is something interesting about the way people talk or don’t talk about sex. What is so easy to discuss with friends over coffee causes parents to stammer, blush, and say to their children, “Ask again when you’re 30.” 

But we do our children a disservice when we act as though we are ashamed of sex or that it is something dirty. Instead, we should help them to see sex as part of God’s beautiful design for a fulfilling marriage.

How soon is too soon to talk to your kids about sex? As soon as they ask. You can let their questions lead what you tell them.

Years ago, a mentor told me about seeing two bunnies procreating in her yard while sitting with her three-year-old. Her daughter asked what they were doing.

She replied, “They are making love to make babies.”

Her daughter screwed up her face. “Do you and Daddy do that?”

My friend did not let the question ruffle her. “It’s different, but, yes.”

And that was it for a long time, but it started the conversation and kept it open from that point on.

Eldest didn’t ask any major questions until she was 10. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide the topic. She just wasn’t ready to discuss it. But I wanted to be ready when she asked because there is a plethora of misinformation, lies even, about sex hitting our children in the face every day through popular media. Even in the malls, we are bombarded with sexual images and messages.

We, as parents, need to be the first source of truth for our children about God’s beautiful design for sex. And it’s not a once-and-you’re-done kind of topic. There needs to be an ongoing dialog about sex and all it encompasses as your kids mature.

Kids crave information on sex. In his book, The Bare Facts, 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex, author Josh McDowell points out “the word ‘sex’ receives more than four billion Google searches every year.”

 

That’s billion with a “B.” How many of those searches do you think are from kids? A friend recently found the word sex searched on her 9 year-old daughter’s iPod.

 

One mom, eyes wide with terror, asked me what she was supposed to say. Here are some things I’ve discussed with Eldest, who is 11 as I write this:

  • Sex is what you desire to do when you love a person so much you want to be as close to them as possible.
  • God made sex for marriage, to be kept inside of marriage.
  • Sex is a picture of how deeply God loves us. The Bible uses the term “know” (the Hebrew word yada. See here for more info.) in regards to sex. It is the same term used many other times in the Bible describing how deeply God knows us.
  • Sex is like glue that puts a marriage together.
  • If you have sex with someone you aren’t married to, sex still “glues” you to that person.
  • There are chemicals in the brain released in sex that actually bond you with a person. This is wonderful in marriage. It will hurt you deeply emotionally if you aren’t married to that person.
  • God says sex is only for marriage, not because he is mean, but to protect you emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
  • The world–TV, music, movies, video games, and people–will tell you sex is just for fun and it can’t hurt you to play around, but those are lies.
  • Some people say it’s too hard to deny yourself any sort of pleasure. That is also a lie.
  • Your friends are not experts or reliable places to get information about sex.
  • Sex is meant to be private, between a husband and a wife. It is beautiful.
  • Sex also can create babies. There are all types of birth control available, but they do not always work.
  • People will talk about safe sex, but the only kind of safe sex you can have is when you are married and both of you are faithful to each other.
  • When you have sex with different people, you can get viruses, sort of like colds, only much more serious. Some of those viruses even cause cancer. (See here for more info on HPV.)
  • People can have sex and get pregnant outside of marriage, but that is not God’s best plan for you.

The world is full of lies about sex we must refute with our kids:

  • Sex = love.
  • Everyone else is doing it, so I should too.
  • It’s unrealistic to save sex until marriage with people waiting until their late 20′s to get married.
  • Sex in marriage is boring.
  • Sex is dirty and bad, and God doesn’t like it.
  • I’ve already had sex, so what’s the point in waiting.
  • Oral sex isn’t really sex.
  • Sex is no big deal. It’s just an action. It doesn’t mean anything.

All wrong. All lies.

In the above mentioned The Bare Facts book, Josh addresses and dispels many of the questions I’ve posed above. I’d highly recommend the book for parents and for teens.

(For an in-depth description of the deep meaning behind sex in marriage and the word yada, see Dannah Gresh beautifully address it here.)

The world wants to sell our children a different, cheaper version of sex that will leave them broken mentally and often physically. We, as parents and mentors, have to be willing to talk openly and often about sex to our kids, telling our children of its beauty, blessing, and boundaries.

If we, as parents, aren’t willing to discuss sex with our kids, then who will? And what will they tell our kids?

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08 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Spiritual Life

Enduring defeat.

by Jennifer Dyer

As the mother of a child with special needs, defeat is often my companion. In some ways, I have accepted the pace of growth for Rachel, but there are often days where I realize she has been left behind yet again by her peers. The pain seizes my heart and tries to choke off my joy.

Sometimes, though, disappointment and defeat don’t relate back to autsim. Sometimes I feel I failed in some other areas. Or something I hoped for doesn’t happen.

Whatever the case, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts enough to make me want to quit, be it writing, cooking, caring, or feeling. Sometimes I want to crawl under the bed and hide.

So, today, when a disappointment hit me and the desire for retreat engulfed me, I had to stop. Instead of wallowing in the moment, tossing my latest project in the trash, and throwing a big pity party, I thought about the big picture, about an eternal perspective.

I prayed, “Lord, I trust you with this failure. I trust you even in this. I’m not sure what your plans are, but I trust you with my future.”

And I felt relieved.

Did God need me to pray this?

No. God is infinite. Jesus is complete. I cannot fathom His needs, if He has any. He is complete whether I trust Him or not. But as a mom, I can understand the joy of watching my children trust me.

Furthermore, I had to say that for myself. I needed to hear it. I needed to remind myself that I did believe God is in charge. Sometimes I hold things so tightly that my desires crumble in my grip. Instead, I should hold everything with an open hand and trust God with what happens next.

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06 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs

Life adapted: soap and shower gel.

By Jennifer Dyer

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Rachel loves shower gel. She loves it so much, in fact, that we might go through two bottles per day.

I tried watching her, even not letting her shower alone. I’ve also tried over the last four years to teach her how much gel to use with each shower.

But she insists. I think some if it is due to her obsessive compulsive nature, in addition to the autism, anxiety, and apraxia that cloud her mind and communication.

If Rachel opens something, whether it be a container of lemonade, glue, or soap, she wants it finished, empty, and discarded (sometimes into the carpet) so she can move on to the next thing. Other people I have known with OCD tendencies say this is common.

But the constant waste does little for my own anxiety. Understanding where she is coming from helps a great deal. And so does finding solutions to help us both.

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In the shower, I installed a second shower caddy above the shower, about 7′ high. I have to stand on tippy toes to reach everything, but it helps.

I try to put a little bit of gel in the containers she can freely reach, a trick I learned from Grandma. I also continue to show her by modeling how much soap to use and verbally prompting.

In my case, at least, Rachel likes to learn the rules for how things work, but I have to remember sometimes it takes years to teach her a concept.

Sometimes the years part gets to me. But have you ever wondered about God’s patience with us? I’ve struggled with some of the same issues for years. Yet God is far more patience with me than I am with my own children. And that is something for which I am thankful.

Lord, thank you for your patience!

How about you?

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01 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why am I blue? Understanding life’s changes and the emotions they evoke.

by Jennifer Dyer

My subconscious is smarter than I am.

This past week I’ve been on edge. One moment, I want to yell and rant and the next I’m wishing to hide under my covers and never come out. While I am usually pretty driven to accomplish, I feel like a balloon drifting over a windless desert.

So, today, I spent some time praying and asked God what was wrong with me. “Why am I so blue?” Some of it is hormones, those lovely horrible moans that take a perfectly sane woman and turn her into a raving monster for a day or two every month. But I knew it had to be something deeper, something more serious adding to my mental disarray.

As I prayed, I thought about the time of year–it’s May. And every May I go through this. Panic attacks, scattered thoughts, anxiety, over-thinking, on edge, depressed, and fearful. Though it has lessened over the last five or so years, I still feel it.

Why?

My subconscious has already realized what the rest of me is slower on picking up: School is about to be out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having the girls home. I enjoy long summer days, swimming, playing, sleeping in, the feeling of potential each morning when a day is filled with unknown adventures. And I am so, so thankful I can be with them during their breaks.

But I also know that I am on the clock all the time. Not only for eldest with her needs for a close relationship with her mother, but also for Rachel and all the demands that go with having a special needs child.

Errands that I run during the school year will include Rachel during the summer. Don’t get me wrong. I love taking her places, but its easier when I don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Each trip to the store usually involves some sort of incident like the hand sanitizer debacle yesterday, which is a story for another time.

I also feel like I’m not doing enough, especially for Rachel. She needs constant speech therapy, but I have never figured out how to be therapist and mother. She needs consistency and a firm routine. Not easy for the creative and scattered mind of her mama.

I need quiet, at least part of the day, or I cannot think straight. As it is, my brain is usually half lost in a project, and I have difficulty keeping my feet in both worlds. And neither remains dormant.

Here’s the interesting thing. This panicked feeling usually lasts until about the second week of summer. Then I adjust to the new routine and we have a great time.

In August I go through it all over again because my babies are back in school and away from me for most of the day.

I feel better just knowing what is bothering me. It’s like a weight has already been lifted. When the anxious feelings come, I think of the fun times we had last summer and focus there instead of worry that I will be so exhausted I will drop where I stand. And I remind myself to cherish each MOMent because they often pass too quickly.

How about you? Is your self conscious sometimes ahead of you?

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22 Apr 2013
Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Someday, a mom’s poem.


By Jennifer Dyer

Someday I will walk without sticking to my floors.
Someday I will leave a room and return to find it the same as I left it.
Someday I will shower without little hands banging on the door.
Someday I will potty without a posse of little helpers.
Someday I will walk through a store without Cheerios stuck to my rear.

Someday I will look back and laugh.

Someday I will listen for laughter and hear silence.

Someday I will wish for another moment, another cuddle, another hug.

In light of someday, I will cherish today.

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15 Apr 2013
character building/discipline • Moms • Parenting • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Teaching your daughter purity.

by Jennifer Dyer

This weekend I attended the MomLife Bootcamp retreat at Pine Cove Camp. I loved meeting so many amazing moms and hearing from the variety of wise speakers.

In light of this, I wanted to share a link with you by Dannah Gresh from the True Woman conference talking about “What Children Need To Become Pure and Holy Adults.” (*Note: you need to scroll down to the breakout sessions list and find the above title “What children need to become pure and holy adults.” You can watch a short interview, but you can listen and/or read the presentation transcript.)

Dannah has so much wisdom to share, I hope you will check out her presentation and check out her Facebook page, her books, Secret Keeper Girl and Pure Freedom.

May we live pure and free lives in the grace of our Lord Jesus, my dear friends. And may we teach our children well.

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10 Apr 2013
Autism • character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Tweens

Life Adapted–game playing with my daughter with autism.

by Jennifer Dyer

I’m starting a blogging series entitled Life Adapted revolving around raising our daughter with autism. Most days I feel overwhelmed by life, and I’m never quite sure I make the right parenting calls, whether I am dealing with my “typical” tween or my younger daughter who is on the severe side of the autism spectrum.

According to almost all moms I’ve met, feeling overwhelmed and unsure is normal. Hugs for us all!

That being said, I have a few experiences not every mom with a special needs child has been afforded, and I want to share in case it will help others.

As a speech-language pathologist, I was trained to look at every activity with someone on my caseload in mind. How can I adapt this to meet _____ goals? Most of the time it involves rethinking the purpose of a game or object and being flexible with the rules, the same way one might modify a recipe to accommodate a food allergy.

Over the years I’ve used this thinking with Rachel, sometimes to the frustration of everyone, but sometimes… Sometimes things are beautiful. I will be spending the next several months sharing ideas that I hope will bring your family or school as many smiles and hugs as they have ours.

Today, I want to talk about playing ball. Four Square to be exact.

Sunday evening this past week was beautiful. Not too windy, not too cold, yet not warm enough to bring out the mosquitoes. Perfect.

As a family we ventured outside. The goal in my mind was to have Rachel stay around us and to enjoy family time. While Eldest and I bounced the ball around, Rachel picked leaves off the bushes. (Okay, not a productive activity, but my goal was for Rachel to stay by us and those bushes needed pruning. If I started hounding her she would have run off.)

After a few minutes, Rachel ventured to the driveway and glanced at the ball. My mommy sense told me she wanted to play, but the rules for Four Square were too complicated for her to follow. I also sensed if I made a big deal of her joining us she would run away.

I asked Eldest to bounce the ball slowly to Rachel. When Rachel caught the ball, we all cheered. We encouraged Rachel to bounce the ball to Dad. From there we took turns bouncing the ball, rolling the ball, and kicking the ball to each other. Rachel didn’t always catch the ball and didn’t follow the order in which we were throwing, but perfect ball skills weren’t the goal. The goal was participation and fun.

Goal achieved!

At one point, Eldest sighed. “Are we going to go back to playing?”

“We are playing, just with less complicated rules.” It took her a moment to decide she was OK with the change, but she got into the spirit. We had a precious time, laughing, talking, and playing ball.

This isn’t just for dealing with children with autism. Activities can be modified for younger family members and people who have mobility issues. This same concept can help kids in a school setting incorporate their peers with special needs. The important thing is the “rules” of the game aren’t as important as participation.

In this way, everybody has fun. There is a time for competition and there is a time for compassion and love.

The best part? The last two nights Rachel has slept with her arms wrapped around one of our Four Square balls. And that is beautiful.

Up next: Life Adapted–dinner time.

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08 Apr 2013
character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Teens • Tweens

Bullying: a guide to survival from a victim’s perspective.

Over on More to Be, I wrote about surviving bullying from the perspective of a person who had been through extreme bullying and not only survived, but has devoted a part of her life to helping people overcome the painful moments in their lives.

Join me on More to Be and Be part of the conversation:

http://www.moretobe.com/2013/04/01/bullies-and-perspective-gained-from-a-victim/

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03 Apr 2013
Autism • Moms • Parenting

Like dried out Playdoh.

by Jennifer Dyer

Today I feel like a withered and dried out flower. I cannot think clearly. I’m going through the motions. I look around my house from Mt. Laundry to Lake Dishes in the Sink and feel despair. Every time I walk through the kitchen, I stick to the floor. Is the refrigerator leaking lemonade? How many times do I have to wipe it up?

The constant pleas of “I’m hungry” and my own of “Keep your underwear on,” to my little one with autism turn my heart to burning sand.

I sit in front of the computer to write and nothing comes. The only thing in my mind is exhaustion.

Have you ever felt like that?

Some of it must be the weather—dreary and rainy. Then there are hormones, which I think should be called horrible moans, but no one asked me… And some of it is the mundane sameness of my life: I go to bed determined to do something great with Rachel, to help her grow in some new way or change the world of autism somehow, but many days my ideas fall flat or she is unable to focus.

Anyone else?

Motherhood is like that. There are the soaring high “I taught my baby to walk and do calculus at the same time” days. But there are also the trench times. The moments where I can’t face one more potato chip ground into the carpet. Those are the times when I barely move, drowning in the dried out Playdoh that is my heart.

But then I get a hug. A grin. Rachel gives me the “I love you” sign. I can go on after all.

So when you have your trench days, remember long baking times in the oven make for delicious biscotti. It is the persevering in the tough times that make us into something greater, something sweeter, and into someone more like Jesus.

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01 Apr 2013
Book Reviews • character building/discipline • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

How are you leading your family/ iPad Mini GIVEAWAY from TriciaGoyer & RSVP for a Live Webcast Event

Enter Today – 3/25- 4/16!
LEAD YOUR FAMILY LIKE JESUS BY KEN BLANCHARD, PHIL HODGES & TRICIA GOYER IPAD GIVEAWAY
Moms, mark your calendars. Join Tricia Goyer and Tracey Eyster on April 16 at 8 pm for the Lead, Momma Lead webcast event featuring wisdom from the soon-to-be-released book Lead Your Family Like Jesus (LYFLJ). Tracey and Tricia are both moms with decades of momming experience and a wealth of wisdom to share. Don’t miss out!

And speaking of LYFLJ…

Parenting is hard. I make mistakes all the time. The other night Eldest lost her temper with Rachel. Part of me understood. Rachel often insists on having things her way and will fight to keep them that way. Whether it is due to autism or personality, I don’t know, but interactions with Rachel can be stressful.

As the fight progressed, Eldest called for reinforcements, “Mom!”

I had HAD IT. Instead of keeping my ego and temper in check and going to speak to them face to face, I yelled back that I was coming and I was busy and I was sick and tired of the yelling.

Whoops.

Eldest hid in the closet. I wanted to take a field trip to the beach by myself…but, thankfully, my brain rewound the last few minutes. I was the adult and I had modeled the behavior that was driving me crazy. Furthermore, I demanded a behavior (calm and compassion), but refused to be obedient to the same principle. In other words, I’d blown it. I needed to apologize.

When I did apologize, Eldest didn’t want to talk to me. My insides heated up. First she yells and now she rejects me when I’m trying to do the right thing? How dare she not respond to me? I am her mother! She should respect me!

And then I took another thinking break. What is one of the big principles in LYFLJ? Oh, yes. Get rid of ego…

I was a textbook case of letting my ego get in the way of love.

So, I did my best to respond in love. She still rejected me, but I was the adult, so I had to act like it. A few hours later, she came down and apologized from her heart, something that would not have occurred had I demanded it or fussed at her because she was not giving me the honor I felt I deserved.

Obedience is a matter of the heart–the parent’s heart and the child’s. In the Focus on the Family interview about LYFLJ, Phil Hodges stated, “Obedience is wanting to do that which you are required to do because of the one who asked you … That’s building a relationship with God, but it first comes from building a relationship with parents.”

The issue isn’t about forcing compliance, it is more about teaching children internal motivation toward obedience. And part of that is me modeling obedience. In everything I do, I model behavior for my children, whether good or bad. Do I tell the truth or do I lie? Do I obey speeding laws even when I am late, or do I make my own rules? If I want my children to follow God’s rules, I have to follow rules too.

Ken Blanchard added, “Obedience is not about control, it’s about a relationship.”

This goes back to getting my ego out of the way. Instead of coming at issues with a prideful attitude, I have to approach situations with love and wisdom. I have to take the time to put my family ahead of my ego, my self, and my internal selfishness.
Yeah, not easy. But most things that are worthwhile take effort and sacrifice.

How about you? What kind of parenting tips do you have for drawing closer to your family?

For more, listen to the Focus on the Family radio interview with Ken Blanchard, Phil Hodges, and Tricia Goyer. Click here to see the current offer to receive a copy of the LYFLJ book with any donation to Focus.

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