Archive for apraxia

08 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Spiritual Life

Enduring defeat.

by Jennifer Dyer

As the mother of a child with special needs, defeat is often my companion. In some ways, I have accepted the pace of growth for Rachel, but there are often days where I realize she has been left behind yet again by her peers. The pain seizes my heart and tries to choke off my joy.

Sometimes, though, disappointment and defeat don’t relate back to autsim. Sometimes I feel I failed in some other areas. Or something I hoped for doesn’t happen.

Whatever the case, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts enough to make me want to quit, be it writing, cooking, caring, or feeling. Sometimes I want to crawl under the bed and hide.

So, today, when a disappointment hit me and the desire for retreat engulfed me, I had to stop. Instead of wallowing in the moment, tossing my latest project in the trash, and throwing a big pity party, I thought about the big picture, about an eternal perspective.

I prayed, “Lord, I trust you with this failure. I trust you even in this. I’m not sure what your plans are, but I trust you with my future.”

And I felt relieved.

Did God need me to pray this?

No. God is infinite. Jesus is complete. I cannot fathom His needs, if He has any. He is complete whether I trust Him or not. But as a mom, I can understand the joy of watching my children trust me.

Furthermore, I had to say that for myself. I needed to hear it. I needed to remind myself that I did believe God is in charge. Sometimes I hold things so tightly that my desires crumble in my grip. Instead, I should hold everything with an open hand and trust God with what happens next.

| 2 comments | Tags: ,
06 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs

Life adapted: soap and shower gel.

By Jennifer Dyer

20130505-202045.jpg

Rachel loves shower gel. She loves it so much, in fact, that we might go through two bottles per day.

I tried watching her, even not letting her shower alone. I’ve also tried over the last four years to teach her how much gel to use with each shower.

But she insists. I think some if it is due to her obsessive compulsive nature, in addition to the autism, anxiety, and apraxia that cloud her mind and communication.

If Rachel opens something, whether it be a container of lemonade, glue, or soap, she wants it finished, empty, and discarded (sometimes into the carpet) so she can move on to the next thing. Other people I have known with OCD tendencies say this is common.

But the constant waste does little for my own anxiety. Understanding where she is coming from helps a great deal. And so does finding solutions to help us both.

20130505-202107.jpg

In the shower, I installed a second shower caddy above the shower, about 7′ high. I have to stand on tippy toes to reach everything, but it helps.

I try to put a little bit of gel in the containers she can freely reach, a trick I learned from Grandma. I also continue to show her by modeling how much soap to use and verbally prompting.

In my case, at least, Rachel likes to learn the rules for how things work, but I have to remember sometimes it takes years to teach her a concept.

Sometimes the years part gets to me. But have you ever wondered about God’s patience with us? I’ve struggled with some of the same issues for years. Yet God is far more patience with me than I am with my own children. And that is something for which I am thankful.

Lord, thank you for your patience!

How about you?

| 5 comments | Tags: , ,
01 May 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Why am I blue? Understanding life’s changes and the emotions they evoke.

by Jennifer Dyer

My subconscious is smarter than I am.

This past week I’ve been on edge. One moment, I want to yell and rant and the next I’m wishing to hide under my covers and never come out. While I am usually pretty driven to accomplish, I feel like a balloon drifting over a windless desert.

So, today, I spent some time praying and asked God what was wrong with me. “Why am I so blue?” Some of it is hormones, those lovely horrible moans that take a perfectly sane woman and turn her into a raving monster for a day or two every month. But I knew it had to be something deeper, something more serious adding to my mental disarray.

As I prayed, I thought about the time of year–it’s May. And every May I go through this. Panic attacks, scattered thoughts, anxiety, over-thinking, on edge, depressed, and fearful. Though it has lessened over the last five or so years, I still feel it.

Why?

My subconscious has already realized what the rest of me is slower on picking up: School is about to be out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love having the girls home. I enjoy long summer days, swimming, playing, sleeping in, the feeling of potential each morning when a day is filled with unknown adventures. And I am so, so thankful I can be with them during their breaks.

But I also know that I am on the clock all the time. Not only for eldest with her needs for a close relationship with her mother, but also for Rachel and all the demands that go with having a special needs child.

Errands that I run during the school year will include Rachel during the summer. Don’t get me wrong. I love taking her places, but its easier when I don’t actually have to accomplish anything. Each trip to the store usually involves some sort of incident like the hand sanitizer debacle yesterday, which is a story for another time.

I also feel like I’m not doing enough, especially for Rachel. She needs constant speech therapy, but I have never figured out how to be therapist and mother. She needs consistency and a firm routine. Not easy for the creative and scattered mind of her mama.

I need quiet, at least part of the day, or I cannot think straight. As it is, my brain is usually half lost in a project, and I have difficulty keeping my feet in both worlds. And neither remains dormant.

Here’s the interesting thing. This panicked feeling usually lasts until about the second week of summer. Then I adjust to the new routine and we have a great time.

In August I go through it all over again because my babies are back in school and away from me for most of the day.

I feel better just knowing what is bothering me. It’s like a weight has already been lifted. When the anxious feelings come, I think of the fun times we had last summer and focus there instead of worry that I will be so exhausted I will drop where I stand. And I remind myself to cherish each MOMent because they often pass too quickly.

How about you? Is your self conscious sometimes ahead of you?

| 2 comments | Tags:
18 Mar 2013
apraxia • Autism • character building/discipline • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Uncategorized

Daddy loves me.

by Jennifer Dyer

The other day, Rachel won a prize at school. Hubby and I were excited because sometimes it seems as though Rachel never wins.

When her teacher told me the prize was a pump to blow up balloons, I had to smile. Rachel’s favorite toy at her cousin’s house is a balloon pump. But when I opened her backpack to see her prize, it was gone. No one knows what happened to it. Rachel, as she is mostly non-verbal, can’t comment.

My happy balloon bubble popped. I felt like Rachel had been cheated somehow. I’m not pointing fingers at a person, but the situation reminded me of watching my Labrador romp through my tulips. A bummer.

When I told hubby of Rachel’s lost prize, he grabbed his keys. “We’ll get her one ourselves.”

It was as if my tulips had bloomed despite their broken stalks. We took Rachel to the store and let her pick out her own balloon pump. Aside from her wanting one for each hand, it was a fun adventure.

I don’t know what the actual prize looked like, but I know we wouldn’t have treasured it like the toy her daddy bought for her.

The situation reminded me of Luke 11:11-13. Hubby demonstrated his love for our sweet Rachel with a small token. How much more does our Heavenly Father demonstrate His deep love for us every day? 

 

| One comment | Tags: ,
13 Mar 2013
apraxia • Autism • character building/discipline • Moms • Parenting

What in your life has worth?

by Jennifer Dyer Eldest painted the above picture for her daddy. My husband displays it in his office. The wood was scrap. The hanging hardware in the back consists of two nails holding pop-top rings from soda cans. Nothing about the wood is valuable. No one paid her to make it. Yet we consider it priceless.

Why? Because it was a gift from the heart. An act of service which produced a token of love. From the careful chalk markings of Eldest, to the purple and red scribbles of Rachel, we treasure the work of our children’s hands.

In a culture which thrives on greed, little things like homemade pictures on scrap wood can get lost or seem worthless. Even big things, like motherhood and serving others, are sometimes perceived as a waste of time because they don’t come with a paycheck.

But I think God sees things differently. The things we do on this earth that can seem worthless to others or perhaps don’t generate piles of cash and worldwide fame and praise, might be what means the most to God. Just like motherhood and marriage are some of the things that mean the most to me.

What are some of the things about/from your children that you treasure?

| One comment | Tags: , , , ,
06 Feb 2013
apraxia • Autism • character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Special Needs • Uncategorized

Kids, romance and autism. How do those mesh? I’ll tell you…

by Jennifer Dyer

Our MomLife Today editor recently asked us, How do you romance your children?

I thought about her question for days. I had no idea. Sure, I spend time with Rachel, I tickle her, and I buy her glue to create masterpieces of construction paper…

But what about her soul? I’ve had a hard time getting to know Rachel, in the sense that many of us do others. Idea sharing, conversing, arguing… All of those things are hindered by the autism and apraxia which hold her mind captive in so many harsh manners.

But then I realized something huge…

Continue reading about it here on MomLife Today.

| No comments | Tags: , , ,
14 Jan 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Uncategorized

Tantrums, autism and staying the course.

by Jennifer Dyer

I’m a hostage of anger. I told Rachel no. You would think the world is ending.

With Rachel’s autism, I never know what might set her off. But I have lived through enough fits that my chicken-hearted self does not want to engage in battles at all. Perhaps that is the problem. If my future self could tell my past self something, it would be to stand firm during the fits when she was little.

But I did stand through so many of them. When she didn’t want to get in the car for school, I repeatedly dragged her down the stairs, making sure I was the only one who got carpet burns. I stopped the car countless times to reattach her seat belt and/or her clothes. I held her at the local swimming pool during the screaming, agonizing, horrible ten minutes of hourly adult swim.

As I listen to her scream today, a deep need for sleep washes over me. I slump over, my hearing shutting down. She grabs me. I am limp. But she pulls again. She will not let me out of this fight.

A bubbling rage erupts under the drowsy defense. Hysterical laughter tries to release the pressure, but I can’t laugh either. I clamp my lips together and close my eyes. I cannot lose it. I cannot lose it.

She slams every door upstairs before running downstairs to slam the door to her “office” closet under the stairs. Slams it over and over. Kicks the wall. Pounds, bangs. Screams. She wants a reaction. She wants me to engage. I resist. I hold my breath. I want to sleep, no, I want to eat. No, even more, I want a drink, to take a mental vacation from the constant stress. But I cannot give into that. It is a temptation, one I must resist. One drink would be too many. I might never stop.

I pray I will live through this. I pray I will not explode. I beg for help. Maybe she needs a spanking, but I cannot give it to her. I am not certain of my self-control.

I try the methods taught to us by our therapists. She wants my attention, so I  keep my back to her. I take deep breaths, say nothing, don’t react. She sneaks around to get what I told her she could’t have. I have to correct her now. The battle starts again.

I can’t do this. I take solace in the piano, butchering Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, pounding the keys, at least the one bit I can remember. She runs to me, presses her hands over mine. I cannot escape, cannot stop this.

I keep playing, despite her hands covering the keys. I play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, anything. Our dog runs circles around me, head low, tail tucked. The pack is in distress.

Yes. It is. Help me, Lord.

Rachel retreats again to the closet. God’s wisdom hits me. Get rid of what she is after. Go now.

I run. Hide it. Sprint back to the piano. Keep playing.

It takes another 30 minutes of playing, praying and waiting, but it ends.  The storm is passed.

I want to crawl into my bed. I feel as if gravity’s pull is twice as strong on my body, that I slog under water. But I have learned something, just as I do every time I live through a fit. I am stronger. I can do all things through Christ who lends me strength.(Philippians 4:13.)

With each storm I learn better to depend on the Lord. Pray. Seek solace in the Lord. Resist the temptations that constantly hail down on me. But I cannot resist on my own. During the moments when life is the hardest, I have to lean on the Lord. If I didn’t spend time daily learning God’s word and leaning on Him, I would rip apart at the seams when the storms come.

My point, dear friends? Hold onto the Lord, every day. Ask Him daily to carry you, so that when the tough times comes, you don’t have to fear God isn’t with you. He will already be carrying you.

| 4 comments | Tags: ,
07 Jan 2013
apraxia • Autism • character building/discipline • humor • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs

Windex, autism and encouraging my daughter to find her strengths.

by Jennifer Dyer

Rachel discovered a new hobby over the Christmas break–Windex. Often my shadow when she is home, Rachel watched with bright eyes as I pulled out the bottle of Windex and a few rags. She grabbed the rags from my hands and ran ahead to the bathroom. When I made it in there, she pointed to the mirror, indicating I should get with the spraying.

When the liquid hit the mirror, she squealed and jumped, her giggles radiating warmth through the house.

Rag in hand, Rachel wiped and wiped. Then she grabbed the bottle and sprayed some more, squealing all over again.

Half a bottle of Windex later, the bathroom needed airing. I led her to the other bathrooms and mirrors, showing her how to wipe them down. The child acted as if she had hit a huge jackpot in Vegas.

The conservative side of me worried. She is using the Windex too fast. The house smells really strong. She might spray something that will get too wet, like the wallpaper or carpet.

Then I told my inner grump to take a break. I hate that wallpaper, the carpet might benefit from a little Windex, and as far as hobbies go, Windex cleaning is a great one, even a life skill that will benefit her in the future.

So, three bottles later in that many days, I am glad she has a new fascination. It’s way, way better than dumping toys out of drawers and boxes, which we lived through for about 7 years. I don’t know how long this one will last, but it’s fun to watch her delight. My mirrors have never been cleaner.

Wow. I wish I thought of cleaning like that.

How about you? What are some of your kids’ hobbies? Do you see future potential for their adult lives with the interests blooming today?

| 4 comments | Tags:
02 Jan 2013
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Spiritual Life

Can you be mom and therapist?

by Jennifer Dyer

A few months ago at a therapy conference I learned something that would help me see myself differently as a mother of a daughter with special needs. I’ve struggled with guilt because I can’t seem to be both mom and therapist, even though I am a speech-language pathologist and should be able to help Rachel talk more.

Check out the story here on MomLifeToday.

 

| 3 comments | Tags: , , ,
28 Nov 2012
apraxia • Autism • character building/discipline • Friendship • Moms • Parenting • school-age • Special Needs • Spiritual Life • Teens • Tweens

Accentuate the positive.

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever been excited about something you’ve accomplished? Perhaps you cooked a great meal, drew a beautiful picture, or finished a Pike’s Peak-sized  stack of laundry? Sure, you know in your heart that praise is not what we should crave, but still…a pat on the back wouldn’t hurt.

So, how would you feel if your kids or spouse, when gazing upon your hours, perhaps days of work, simply said, “I can’t talk to you until you finish the dishes.”

Um, what?

Yet … when I think about myself as a parent, how many times have I done this to my children? To my students when I taught? To my husband?

When I first decided to write this, my thoughts were on Rachel. Autism and apraxia present so many deep challenges,. She often doesn’t understand directions or chooses to ignore them and do things her own way. Still, she may accomplish something, but I am fixated on what I think should happen and all she receives is negativity. My voice probably becomes like the teacher in Snoopy/ Charlie Brown cartoons. “Whah, whah, wha…” And is she inspired to do more? Nope. I wouldn’t be.

How about eldest? I ask her to clean her room. When she finishes arranging her stuffed animals on the bed just so, she wants a pat on the back. I wonder if I crush her spirit when I only say, “Why didn’t you clean the rest of your room?”

Before you misunderstand me, I don’t meant to say we shouldn’t expect directions to be followed, not at all! Nor should there be a parade every time they brush their teeth.

But if I spent enough time accentuating the positive then the negatives wouldn’t be so crushing. For instance, if I took the time to jog past eldest’s room while she is making the bed I could say, “Hey, nice job! Can’t wait to see the rest of it.” She would not only be uplifted, but then she wouldn’t need to pause in the middle of the job to get the reinforcement she craves.

How about with Rachel? I need to give smaller directions and praise her in the little things: “Hey, thanks for coming when I called you.” It doesn’t have to be big. I can make her feel successful instead of defeated.

How about you? How do you accentuate the positive?

| 3 comments | Tags: , ,
« Older Entries