Archive for March 30, 2012

30 Mar 2012
Moms • Parenting • Tweens

Praying for friendship.

This afternoon eldest acted strange. Every time I glanced her way, she yawned and closed her eyes to half mast. When I asked what was the matter, she said she was tired.

This went on for an hour and escalated when we left for dance. “I’m so tired, mom. I just don’t think I can make it through dance.”

Since dance used to be the highlight of her day, my “mom-dar” went off. Something else was wrong here. So, I began to ask probing questions.

“Is everything ok at dance?”

She shrugged.

“Do you miss your old studio?” My heart went out to her–the move this past summer affected her in so many ways.

We talked on for a while, but she still insisted she was too tired to come. I kept the conversation going, talking about everything I could think of related to dance past and present, including how talented she is.

The heart of the matter didn’t come out until we pulled into the studio’s parking lot. Just before I turned off the car she said, “Besides, I don’t have any friends here. When we go to try on costumes, everyone else goes into a changing room with a friend, and I’m left all on my own.”

Ah. So that was it. “Let’s ask God to give you a friend.” I said a simple little prayer. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I just talked to God out loud the way I would a person beside us.

She walked in with her back a little straighter. As soon as she stepped inside, one of the girls said her name and welcomed her into their conversation circle.

I love it when God answers prayer like that. I know it doesn’t always happen–kids can be cruel, but in this instance I am so thankful!

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29 Mar 2012
apraxia • Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs

Despite the circumstances…

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Mornings are tough around here. I’m pretty sure everyone can relate. :-)

This morning was no exception. Eldest and I dragged along. Rachel was in no mood to rush either. I delivered eldest to school in time for her to slide into her desk just before the final bell. Rachel and I were, as usual, late.

To make matters more … interesting, I had forgotten my iPhone at home. Sounds simple, but it was a big deal. Rachel’s morning routine ALWAYS includes playing the songs Ghostbusters and My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust. She might toss in some Toby Mac or Matthew West, but the other songs are non negotiable. (Her Ghostbusters interest came after big sister danced to the sang in a recital.)

The entire trip to her school she yelled, “pa!” for my phone. (Her apraxia of speech prevents clear words at this point.) I kept telling her it was at home. She was not happy. We pulled into her school parking lot, and she made a desperate grab for my purse. After digging through my purse, she slumped to the very back of the van, defeated and discontent. And then she stripped mostly naked.

I considered driving home to start over. She considered it too, by putting on her seat belt and gesturing to the parking lot exit. Fortunately, my RDI training came to mind. “One of the primary deficits in autism is the inability to cope with change in an ever-changing world.” So in order to help Rachel, the best thing I could do was continue with what we were doing.

Rachel was not impressed. I was not happy.

It took quite a while to get her re-dressed and out the car door. When we got into the classroom, she marched into the bathroom and stripped naked. For the third time…

After leaving, I felt deflated. I had experienced other defeats that morning, including the realization that I am a not a master budget-er, gardener, housekeeper, or exerciser. Even my kitchen sink turned against me in less than five minutes. Plus, my dog’s trip to the vet cost more than two weeks worth of groceries. The above picture of my dog trying to cope with his vet visit says it all: If I just lie here, maybe no one will notice me…

As I whined internally, I realized that I was again depending on circumstances to provide joy. That’s like watching an exercise video while sitting on the couch and expecting to have the same figure as the instructor. It doesn’t work that way. Yes, events can give me a boost, but internal joy comes from one source.

May the joy of the Lord be your strength today, my friends. (From Nehemiah 8:10)

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27 Mar 2012
Marriage • Moms

Flaunt more, flannel less.

by Jennifer Dyer

out with the flannel...

The other day a writer friend sent out an email asking for marriage thoughts, specifically how wives can encourage their husbands.

I had to sit and think. Not about the issue I needed to work on, but whether or not I had the courage to share it.

As I have stated a few times, I have always had body image issues. In my early 20′s it resulted in an eating disorder. Though I no longer feel compelled to continue those destructive behaviors, I still struggle with my body image.

What does that have to do with my husband?

I’ll tell you… I put my own body image issues onto him. I assume he sees me the same way I see myself. I also assume he has the same ridiculous standards which I keep.

But none of that is true. Over and over I have seen studies that show men do not see the female figure in the same way a women does. They are wired to like curves, the same curves we spend hours every day trying to tame. I’m not saying we shouldn’t stay physically fit. Not at all. I’m only saying that most men seem to be more interested in attitude and willingness than the external qualities we scrutinize in the mirror.

So, while I would rather cover up with flannel and hide all the little extra bulges, hubby would rather I flaunt them–only to him, of course.

So, wives, join me in flaunting more, flanneling less.

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26 Mar 2012
Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs

Spaghetti sauce all over my feet.

by Jennifer DyerSpaghetti Sauce

It’s Monday. As usual, I headed to the grocery store after dropping the kids off at school. While checking out, however, I made a mess. A huge mess. I’m not sure what happened, but just as I tried to put a jar of spaghetti sauce on the counter, I dropped it.

Time slowed. The jar bounced off the conveyor belt and tumbled three times. I watched, frozen, because I knew I couldn’t catch it. The lid hit the ground first with a clang then the glass shattered. Red goo and glass danced in the air then spattered the ground, my feet, and the nearby display stand.

I wanted to cry. I glanced behind me, so thankful no one was waiting. My eyes met the cashier’s. I waited for some sort of irritation. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

“Are you all right, honey?” she asked.

“Yes, I just made such a huge mess. I’m so sorry.” I blubbered on, promising the pay for the mess, and looking around for something to use to clean, but the only thing in my purse that might even start to pick up a mound of sauce was a Target receipt.

“Don’t you worry about that one bit, honey,” she told me. “You just let us handle it. I don’t want you cutting yourself.”

We went back and forth. I kept trying to figure out how to clean up her mess. She insisted that I couldn’t and reassured me that it was all right. “At least it smells nice,” she said. She chatted on about various other spills they had experienced recently. Instead of leaving her presence in tears of shame, I walked out with a grateful heart and no glass cuts on my hands.

My mind went back to the last time Rachel had shattered a glass jar in the kitchen. She tries so hard to be big and to figure out the way the world works, but she makes mistakes all the time. Worse, she can’t communicate what she was thinking and why. After an accident she often hides in a closet.

I wonder if I handle her mistakes the same way this lady at Kroger handled mine…?

Furthermore, I can’t help but reflect on the grace the Kroger checker showed me and think about Jesus. No one is perfect. All of us have some sort of spaghetti sauce mess on our feet, yet through Jesus’ death He says something similar to what that lady said to me: “No, honey, don’t you worry about this. I got this.”

May your messes be full of grace, my friends!

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22 Mar 2012
Parenting • Tweens • Uncategorized

Our experiment with flowers.

This weekend we had a science party for my 10 year-old’s birthday. Among other projects, we dyed white daisies different colors by putting their stems in water dyed with food coloring. We found that blue worked the best. Purple, interestingly enough, separated on the petals. The tips turned blue and the center of the flowers turned red.
Fun times!

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20 Mar 2012
Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • Special Needs • Tweens

Lesson in loving others…even when I don’t want to.

by Jennifer Dyer

This past weekend we hosted a slumber party to a gaggle of fourth-grade girls. For the most part, we had a fun time.

However…

With Rachel’s autism, big groups of people present a challenge. The noise, the disruption to her environment, and her self-stim behaviors all cause issues. She gets very excited to have people around, but she may strip to just her undershirt and bottoms. Rachel will laugh with excitement, but it might be only an inch from someone’s face. She sometimes makes a mess when she potties, although she cleans it up. She can’t speak clearly yet, and she doesn’t understand social cues.

Add all of those up, and big problems result, the kind that often result in tears either in myself or eldest.

This weekend was no exception. For the children we did not know well, I tried to give a brief explanation of autism, but there was too much birthday party excitement. In retrospect, I should have asked the parents to prepare children ahead of time. The problem was the people unaware of Rachel and her issues didn’t RSVP…

So, a few of the children were mean to Rachel. One made fun of her and imitated her noises and movements, even pulling up her shorts to look more like Rachel. Ugh. My stomach clenches when I write this. It makes me ill to think of someone being so cruel. Another little girl made some rude comments about Rachel and autistic people in general.

What to do?

Eldest ended up in tears after the “making fun of Rachel” incident. Yet, in the midst of that pain, three of the other girls came to Rachel’s defense. How wonderful is that? Furthermore, my sister went upstairs to check on the tears and wound up having a very nice talk about autism with the girls in slumber party pow-wow fashion. I think it made a big difference to the girls, and it was something I could not have done emotionally.

After the party, however, I was left with a big issue. Eldest was still hurting. Tears brimming in her eyes, she clenched her fists. “Why does Rachel have to be autistic anyway?”

My heart squeezed. I have asked that question myself. “I don’t know,” I told her. “What I do know is that God made her that way. Rachel will not have to answer to God for being autistic, but someday people will have to answer to Him for how they treated people with special needs.”

“But I’m so mad,” she said.

I nodded. “Yes, but we have to trust God to take care of the situation. You can choose whether or not to be close to that girl who made fun of Rachel, but we still need to forgive her. Then we trust God to take care of her heart.”

She took a deep breath. I prayed for wisdom and the passage in Matthew 5: 43-47 came to mind. (Interesting that my Bible study covered it just this week…) I said, “The Bible tells us that we should forgive, but Jesus also says that being nice to people who are nice to you is easy. The real challenge is being kind and forgiving to people who aren’t nice and don’t deserve it. That’s when we really show people about His love. After all, Jesus forgives our mistakes. We need to forgive others and trust God to take care of the rest.”

I wondered what school would bring Monday and was surprised at the result. The girl who made fun of Rachel asked if eldest was still her friend. She also wanted to know if she would ever be invited over to our house again. It was such a lesson in letting God take care of other people. That girl’s heart was softened in a way that would not have happened by human means. Based on things eldest has said throughout the year regarding this girl, I had already decided not to call her mother, but to let God handle it. Perhaps this is the first time her heart has been softened toward others. What a miracle, yes?

I am blessed to have seen this lesson come to life. We never know how our lives, even the negative parts, will affect others. Perhaps that little girl will grow up and become a therapist because something she didn’t understand has now been made clear in a nice way. After all, people often fear what they don’t understand. Bullying is one form of acting out based on fears.

I know not all situations end this way. How I wish they did…

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16 Mar 2012
Moms • Parenting • Teens • Tweens

Sassy vs kind: the delivery is as important as the message.

While at the park today I observed a negative exchange between my sister and niece. My niece wanted to play football, but my sister said not now. (Ever been there, moms?)

My niece was not thrilled. She stomped and spit out her words like little bullets. “What was the point of me even getting it out of the car then?” Spinning on a heel, my niece tossed the football aside and marched away.

A few minutes later, my niece headed back toward us. I said a quick prayer for wisdom and followed her to where she sat with her head resting on her arms. I settled across from her.

“Let me ask you a question,” I said. “If you ordered a pizza, would you want it after the delivery guy backed over it with his car, stomped on it and let your dog sneeze on it?”

She shook her head.

“Too true. What if he presented it to you on a beautiful china plate? Would you want it then?”

She nodded.

I went on. “Words are kind of like that pizza. Sometimes how you deliver them is what’s important. I know you were disappointed your mom was busy, but giving her the message that you’ll be ready as soon as she is would be better than getting angry. You can get your point across, without a backed-over-pizza delivery.”

I don’t know if the lesson will stick forever, but she tried again with her mom and had a great time playing football after that.

Happy delivery, my friends!

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15 Mar 2012
Autism • Parenting • Special Needs

Vocabulary at the park

Rachel and I are at the park. One of her favorite activities is swinging. While being in public can be stressful, it also builds important skills like turn taking and waiting.

Since Rachel also loves to watch videos of herself, I video her swinging and label her actions and emotions. I use short phrases and speak slowly and clearly. For example: “I’m swinging.” “I’m happy.”

Rachel will watch it later and imitate my words while enjoying the memory.

Happy day, my friends!

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14 Mar 2012
Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • Special Needs

Spring break Wednesday.

We are half-way there: Wednesday of spring break. Today was a gauntlet of activity, baking, sibling fights, cousin fun, and, as it is March 14, we ate pie in honor of pi day at 1:59 pm. My dad, the engineer, said this was a fun idea to teach the kids about pi (3.14159…). Pi day was the highlight of the busy whirlwind.

As I put the kids to bed (for the 3rd time tonight), I thought of a quote from my favorite Hank the Cowdog audio book, The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado. After getting caught in a tornado Wallace, the buzzard, says: “The important thing is, son, that we have survived!”

That is a good sentiment for the day.

Vacations from school can be fun, but for a child with autism (and her mother) they can be stressful. The routine is broken. Mommy is worn out. Rachel is stressed out. I snuck away to read my Bible for a moment, but Rachel followed me. She becomes agitated if Mommy isn’t moving at full speed at all times.

Some of the things I did to prepare for the week have helped. I planned some energy burning activities. We purchased an indoor trampoline, and I took several naps last week.

However, I’ve experienced a ton of failures today, including losing my temper multiple times. Yet, in a conversation with eldest and my niece (after one of their arguments), I said, “Wouldn’t it he nice if we could drink or eat something that helped us be nice?”

My niece frowned. “But then Jesus might not have come and we wouldn’t know Him. That would be sad.”

That helped me stop and take a breath. I also felt better. May the Lord be glorified by my failures. She reminded me I can do more than just simply survive.

Well, I spoke too soon… The ceiling upstairs vibrated and Rachel is screaming. Good night, and good tomorrow, my dear friends. Happy pi day, too!

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12 Mar 2012
Autism • Moms • Parenting • Special Needs • Uncategorized

Mommy has gone to the dogs–and she is hiding under the bed…

by Jennifer Dyer

Dogs and mess

The house has gone to the dogs and the pack leader quit...

Yesterday I watched two Dog Whisperer episodes while folding laundry. As we just adopted a new dog from a local rescue group, I figured I needed some more lessons in being a “calm, assertive pack leader.”

After two episodes, two sink-fulls of dishes and five loads of laundry, I was ready to lead the pack, or so I thought. Then the school called. Rachel wasn’t feeling well, so could I come pick her up?

Hmmm. That changed my day. Instead of writing and taking a nap, the rest of my morning and afternoon would be spent chasing my energetic autistic child. My stomach clenched. With spring break around the corner, I had so much to get done that I can’t do with Little One home.

A few hours later I was about to lose my mind. To keep Rachel busy and out of trouble requires constant physical movement. Yes, some of the chores, like vacuuming, she enjoys and will do with me, but I was exhausted. Add onto that, a huge project of eldest’s due this week and I didn’t know where to be at what moment.

After helping eldest with the glue gun, I noticed a strong floral scent coming from the laundry room. Uh. Oh. I picked up the purple bottle of fabric softener Rachel had insisted on buying at the store (because she likes purple). It was half empty. I almost choked on the fumes coming from the washer. A crazy garden of smell billowed from the machine. Rachel had “helped” me with the laundry by dumping in half the bottle of fabric softener. I groaned and set the washer to an extra rinse then ran back to check eldest.

A bit later I noticed the machine had stopped. I went into the laundry room and saw Rachel up on top of the dryer. She pointed to the controls. She wanted me to start the dryer? I opened it up to check what was inside. The cloud of floral stench said “Boo” and slapped me across the face. I fought back and grabbed the nearest shirt. It dripped water on the floor. Ugh. Rachel had taken the wet clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer. Helping again. Yay.

I continued dashing between children, but each time I left Rachel, she “helped” me again. She detailed the inside of Daddy’s car with sunscreen, and drew a mural on the wall … with black dry erase marker. Eldest tried to put a good “face” on things and pointed out that Rachel had drawn an actual face. Yay for fine motor progress. Her OT would be proud.

I went back to the kitchen to check on dinner only to find Rachel “helping” with the dishes. Water dripped off the counter. My new new salad dressing bottle and sour cream container sat rinsed out and ready to go into the recycling. My little eco friendly daughter… Too bad she didn’t wait until we had actually used the items first.

I closed my eyes. Calm assertive. Calm assertive. I can do this. Calm assertive… ICan’tDoThis.ICan’tDoThis!INeedADrink!

I ran from the carnage before I exploded. Head in my hands, I headed for hubby’s office. “I need a drink.”

He looked up, eyes wide.

“A strong one. Do you think if I poured half that bottle of rum I bought to make rum cakes over some chocolate ice cream it would count as a ‘drink’?” I asked.

“Um, yes.”

“Drat.” I sank into a chair. For me, I choose not to drink alcohol because I am afraid one drink would be too many and two drinks would be too few. However, in the crazy chaos that is my life I am so often tempted. “I’m so tired.” Water splashed into the sink from the kitchen. I wanted to scream. So much for calm and assertive leadership, yes?

That’s when I realized I was doing this all on my own. Yes, being calm and assertive works wonders with dogs and kids, but I do not have that ability within myself. I cried out to God. “Lord, I’d really like to escape from this. I can’t do this! I can’t be calm and take care of everything. It looks like a tornado ran through here. A home magazine would out me on their hit list. I’m a failure, and I really want to hide under my bed. Can you give me some perspective and help here?”

After a few breaths I started to have a different perspective. Did the empty food bottles matter in the long run? No. How about the wall mural? Nope. The mess from the backseat of the van (featured in the above picture)? No. The sunscreen? No. The car will be safe from melanoma. Ha. Ha. In fact, so many of the things I focused on didn’t really matter. Furthermore, I was correct in thinking I cannot find the strength within myself to always have the right frame of mind. I am an empty container. I need the Lord to fill me up.

I survived the rest of the night. I went to bed and slept well despite the still full sink and the floral scent looming in the next room’s laundry pile, knowing full well it would be there tomorrow … and the next day, and the next. But you know what? That’s ok.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [New International Version (NIV) from Biblegateway.com]

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