Archive for January 25, 2012

25 Jan 2012
Autism • Moms • Parenting

Autism: Mopping with muddy feet.

From our days in Relationship Development Intervention therapy (RDI), I recalled the principle that autistic children learn a lot by doing activities along beside their parents. In other words: consider the child a life apprentice.

Since learning that, I’ve made a stronger effort to engage Rachel in daily activities around the house. At first she preferred to ignore the world and sit in a corner piled with blankets. Today, though, she is often right in the middle of everything I do. It sometimes makes me smile. Sometimes, though, I just want to get things done.

Yesterday was no exception to the “get it done” mindset. Rachel dropped a bowl full of peanut butter, which shattered on the kitchen tile. I had to act fast before she stepped in the glass and cut herself.

The first part was tricky. Rachel was embarrassed because she had made a mess, so she wanted to help clean. But a shoeless child and broken plates do not mix. Once I finished sweeping, however, there was no keeping her back. Gripping the steam mop with iron fingers, she joined me on the floor.

My first impulse was to jerk the mop away and tell her no. I had to take a breath. My patience had jumped into the trash along with the glass chunks, so I had to stop and think about the big picture: Bonding with Rachel and teaching her a skill or getting the job done quickly?

I told myself to get a grip and let her have the mop. I held the cord and watched her dance around the kitchen. A grin spread over her face. Self assurance rolled from her shoulders. She felt so big! It was so cute … until I noticed the trail of muddy footprints behind her.

Ah, yes. Hadn’t she traipsed through the garage barefoot a few minutes ago? That would explain the footprints–on the white tile, I might add. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In my head, part of me stomped around. This is so unfair. Everything I do gets undone or messed up. Why do I even bother?

Again, I wanted to grab the mop. But I held back. What would that teach her? One, she would feel like a failure. Two, was I crazy? My child was interested in mopping the floor! Who cares if she didn’t get it right this time. If I handled this well, I might have a big helper around the house.

So, I breathed out and just watched. Rachel looked behind her and grimaced at those footprints. I’m not sure she knew where they came from, but she mopped over all the muddy spots until they disappeared. (I think her feet were pretty clean by that time, too.)

Again, I learned something vital from my sweet daughter who happens to be autistic. Perfection comes with too high a price. When I take the time to be with Rachel rather than be around her, we gain trust and increase her social awareness. Who cares if there are muddy footprints in the kitchen. It’s just a floor. The dog tracked mud in five minutes later, anyway, taking away my clean floor. But no matter how much mud the dog tracks in, she cannot take away the relationship I have built with my daughter through time well spent.

| No comments | Tags: , , , , , ,
23 Jan 2012
Moms • Parenting • Special Needs

Resting in my imperfections.

by Jennifer Dyer

On my way out the door, I gave myself a final perusal in the mirror. I smiled at the reflection. “You look pretty good. I’m surprised people don’t think you and eldest (who is only nine) are sisters…” Seeing my wedding ring on the counter, I walked back to get it an took another mirror glance, this time from up close.

Hmm. I aged ten years, just from walking to the mirror. Little laugh lines spread around my eyes. Age spots taunted me from my cheeks. And my lack of talent with an eye liner? Quite apparent. I stuck my tongue out at the reflection. “I liked you better from back there.”

As my eyes found more imperfections to criticize, I had a thought. I’m spending all this time thinking about the outside, but what about my heart? Not the blood pumping vessel, although that is important, too. I mean the seat of my emotions–the essence of what makes me…me.

Sadly, my heart is far from perfect, too. Yes, from a distance, things seem pretty good. I smile, I try to help people, and I even managed to vacuum once this month. But up close, there is always a hint (or loud scream) of selfish. I think mean thoughts about others and get irritated that life isn’t about me. I don’t always enjoy the demands of raising a special needs child. Even when I help my daughter with her homework, I sometimes get irritated because she isn’t doing it my way. And no matter how many jokes I make about it, I really don’t like scrubbing carpet….

Just like my exterior, there are things I can do to fix up the situation. I can add more makeup to my face the same as I can add more smiles and charitable works to my heart. But the age spots and naughty spots are still there, even if they can’t be seen by the naked eye.

This is why I am so thankful to serve such an amazing God. Jesus came and died to take care of those imperfections. Even when my naughty heart spots show, I know he took care of them once and for all. And for that, I will never stop being thankful.

I hope you have a thankful day, my beloved friends!

| No comments | Tags: , , , ,
18 Jan 2012
Uncategorized

Leaving Paradise

A few days ago, I wrote about my fears of getting on a plane and getting away from my comfort zone. It took a lot to step out. I felt sad to leave my family, but also intimidated about what the next few days would bring. I am privileged to serve on the MomLifeToday team with so many amazing women. Several have huge speaking and writing platforms and are all around go-getters. I’m more of an: “Ack! I’m over my head” kind of girl.

I am so very thankful I came. Not only did I meet an amazing group of sisters, but I also learned so much. And how many times will I be able to sit in a room with so much collective wisdom? I am truly blessed.

Aside from that, I learned a lot about myself. I believe I am a coward. I crave safety, comfort, and the familiar. But for some reason, what the other women saw in me was courage. I don’t say that to preen my feathers, if you will allow the seagull analogy, but I say it to challenge you:

What do others see in you?
What does God see in you?

So often, I get bogged down in the little picture. I allow that sense of false humility to keep me down: I’m nobody. I didn’t get the whole parenting thing right today. I yelled at my kids and ignored the dishes. That other mom is thinner than me. She’s a better writer than me. She’s more famous than me. I’m a failure…

But is that what the Lord sees? No. As I sat here looking at the beauty he created in the oceans and sand, I thought about the big picture. Don’t be caught up in the little things: guilt, anger, bickering, jealousy, insecurity, self doubt… See the big picture God is painting with your life. Let the master artist create paradise in your heart so that you can bring it to those around you.

So…I don’t believe I am leaving paradise at all. In that case, I’ll miss the sand between my toes, but I will not have to vacuum it out of my carpet.

| No comments | Tags: , , ,
17 Jan 2012
About me • Moms

Eggs on my … Carpet

I am feeling so spoiled right now. I’m at a beautiful beach hotel in Florida. True, I feel quite out of place, especially in the gift shop where one dress costs more than a grocery trip, but I’m enjoying every moment.

This morning, instead of going downstairs for breakfast, I tried room service. The prices were the same and I heard that room service would be faster (the restaurant took a while yesterday, and we were late to our first meeting.)

So, the sweet lady walked in with my tray this morning and wanted to check my breakfast to make sure the order was correct. When she tried to take off the lid, food went everywhere.

She gasped. Mortification swam over her face. “I’m so sorry,” she squeaked over and over.

I had a choice. My reaction was going to make or break her day. As if I were at home, I shrugged and started cleaning up the mess. “Don’t worry. This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I only wish my dog were here. She’d love this.”

When she came back with more food, I stopped her. “Listen, you got the worst part of your day out of the way. Don’t worry about this at all. It can only go up from here.”

I wanted to tell her something more–Jesus loves us despite our mistakes and dropped trays and all the other junk in our lives, but she was already in the hall, running to her next job. So, I just gave her the greatest measure of grace I could. She knows I am here with a Christian organization, so perhaps I was able to preach without words.

I hope your day is full of grace, my friends, and let the scrambled eggs fall where they may.

| No comments | Tags: , , ,
16 Jan 2012
Book Reviews • Moms • Parenting • real life • Uncategorized

Consequences: a parenting lesson from a popular book series.

by Jennifer Dyer

Reading is an issue in our house. I love it. I’ve fallen down the stairs several times because I didn’t want to stop reading. The last time I moved, I learned not to pack  with newspaper because I read the articles and forget what I was doing. As a mom I was prepared to have children that were the same. Not so.

My eldest says she likes to read … when she has absolutely nothing else to do. This doesn’t go well with school. The last time I wrote about this, I had tried bribing her, cajoling, pleading, yelling, and threatening all to no avail–she didn’t meet her school reading goal. I’d been relieved she would face consequences with the school reward program, but  she found a loophole in the school policy for reading goals and the rewards. So, the next nine weeks, we fought the same battle, only we upped the anti–grounding and extra chores. In fact, my merciful side was afraid the consequence was a bit too severe.

But when the two of us read Roderick Rules (of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid book series) for our mother-daughter book club, I had a new urgency to teach her responsibility. Think of a worse-case scenario for an older brother and you have Roderick. He’s lazy, worthless, and a huge jerk. And, in part, his parents are to blame. Greg, the middle school narrator, reports his brother’s method for getting through school: waiting until the last minute then playing so stupid that his father caves and does the work for him. When I saw the picture of Roderick pretending he couldn’t find the space key on the computer keyboard and his dad going to rescue him, the need to enforce consequences hit home. I didn’t want to wind up with a Roderick of any sort; therefore, I was not going to save my daughter from consequences.

Preschool and elementary school is a good time for kids to suffer consequences for irresponsibility. They build character, but probably won’t suffer any lasting effects because the stakes aren’t as high. Waiting until later does not work as well.

I felt sad and afraid that she would fail. I wanted to save her, to do some of the work to help her make it, but what would that teach her? Nothing good, so I resisted.

When we got down to the last week, I worried she would fail. Although close to her goal, she procrastinated at every turn. In the end she pulled through. On top of that, I think she learned a good lesson about trusting herself.

Today, she is doing better with reading. Yes, we still have to remind her to read, but not as often, and she is growing in her sense of responsibility. I have even found a few books she is excited about. She has also gotten better about not waiting until the last minute. This past six weeks, she met her goal a few weeks early!

We may turn her into a reader yet. I hope…

| No comments | Tags: , ,
15 Jan 2012
Moms • Parenting • real life

Mommy separation anxiety

My heart thumps, making a constant drum beat in my ears. My chest is tight and my stomach keeps dropping. I’m not prepared for this!
What is it? Am I taking final exams? No. About to have surgery? No.
I’m going to the beach for a writer retreat with my fellow momlifetoday moms.
I feel ridiculous. How can I be so upset about a vacation? I’m about to spend three days in Florida, away from the winter blues.
What is the matter with me?
I believe it is a classic case of mommy separation anxiety. Interesting, but I thought it was my children who were supposed to hang onto my legs and scream, not the other way around. Last night, I couldn’t fall asleep. I was so sad that eldest was at a friend’s house when I wanted to hug her. I teared up, already dreading her leaving for college–not for the first time, I might add. When hubby and Rachel dropped me off at the airport, I almost jumped back into the car.
A few minutes ago, I texted hubby. “How’s Rachel? Did she cry long after you dropped me off…sniffle?”
I think he was trying to be kind. “She’s watching Dora in the car, but I’m sure she’s thinking of you the whole time.”
Hmm. Looks like I need to take a deep breath, do some more praying, and let Dad wear the Supermom cape for a few days…
Cheers, my friends!

| No comments | Tags: , , ,
13 Jan 2012
Uncategorized

Another reason MOMS of special needs children are WONDERFUL

The other day a long-time friend came to town to visit my sister. While here, she made time to swing by our house. I was excited to show her our new home, chaotic though it is. As she has a child with special needs, I wasn’t too concerned with the marker scribbles and carpet piddle spots I had just steam cleaned because I knew she understood…
When she and my sister arrived, bringing with them a plethora of children high on sugar from a birthday party, the house turned into a teeming den of noise and laughter. We even had an extra Labrador acting as life of the party.
When we headed upstairs, one member of my family was not pleased–my aging, somewhat feeble Labrador Missy. She had parked herself at the bottom of the stairs and couldn’t get up. Barking until hubby helped her stand, Missy limped up the stairs, I thought, to join in the fun. But no. Fun was not her plan. Like a sour old curmudgeon, she dragged herself up the stairs for one purpose only–retribution.
Finding the three adults in one of the bedrooms, Missy marched around us while … piddling, to put it delicately. In fact, she piddled in a figure eight around us, over my friend’s shoe and past the gang of kids playing on the Wii before limping back down the stairs. Nice.
I cringed. I wanted to hide. I wanted to smack that dog. Instead I grabbed two arms full of towels and, starting with my friend’s shoe, soaked up the mess while apologizing and offering to purchase new shoes.
My friend calmly inspected her show and shrugged. “I have boys. Trust me, I’ve had worse.”
My sister exhaled. “You never get a break, do you?”
Sighing, I shook my head. “Well, I do have good news for you.”
My friend looked intrigued. “Yes?”
“You are now a member of the PSC,” I said.
“The what?” she asked.
“The Peed Shoe Club. Missy has been inducting members for over a year now. I’m thinking of having an official shirt made.”
Ha. Ha.
PSC aside, My sister and friend gave me a gift. Their reaction turned what could have been a really bad moment into a humorous memory. Yes, I spent an hour steam cleaning and grumbling about the dog, but I smiled every time I thought about the shrug and “I’ve had worse” comment. Laughter is a precious gift and a wonderful healing balm for so many types of situations.
May your days be full of laughter, my friends, and don’t forget to pass the gift on to others.

| No comments | Tags: , , , ,