Archive for May 31, 2011

31 May 2011
Autism • Parenting • real life • Special Needs

Going to school naked?

By Jennifer Dyer

We had a fun weekend. Rachel enjoyed playing in the new pool we purchased. Sensory-wise, water can be calming for people with autism, which is true for Rachel, as long as I’m not forcing her to bathe…

Sadly, Rachel was not thrilled about going to school this morning. True, she got into the car without too much of a struggle, but she was not getting out. At that moment, I had to assess my primary goal. Getting Rachel to class.

In doing that, I defined my next course of action.

Since she had refused to get dressed at home, which would have meant a battle of epic proportion and not actually getting to school, I had work to do once we pulled into the parking lot.

After my get-dressed trick of having her choose between two alternatives failed, I had to go to a higher level of motivation. I brushed her teeth. She always wants water after that. I put her water bottle outside of the car and told her she could get it. Though she protested, loudly, she did not budge.

Hmm. Stick with the goal… How can I get her to class?

I took blankie out and stuffed it into her backpack. As she prefers to carry blankie in one hand and pull her rolling backpack with the other, I hoped this would get some sort of reaction. And it did. As I yanked the zipper closed, Rachel got out of the car to stop me. I shut the car door and locked it. Sadly, that meant she was standing in the school parking lot in just a shirt…

I managed to get panties and shoes on her, but she wasn’t putting on her dress. In fact, she started to class with blankie and gave me a sneaky, satisfied grin over her shoulder. “I’ve won,” her face said.

Grr.

As I didn’t want to start a screaming fit in the hall, I handed her dress to her teacher and wished her luck. I did make a comment about not being able to get her dressed when another teacher passed, eyes wide, but that was about it.

Am I a wimp? Maybe. But I met my goal: getting Rachel to class.

If Rachel were like my neuro-typical child, taking her to school in her pajamas would only have to be done once or twice—yes, I really did that.

But Rachel is a different child. Is it her autism? I’m not sure. I only know that I must be wise and purposeful in the battles I choose. Meeting goals sometimes means letting other things go. If my goal had been to get Rachel dressed before she entered the school building I would have stayed outside and called for backup. With Rachel, I have to dissect my purpose down to the barest level. This helps me to accomplish something and helps to keep my frustration level at a minimum, which helps everyone.

May your goals be met today, my friends.

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27 May 2011
Autism • Moms • Parenting • real life • Special Needs

Autism & Bath time: Mommy triumphs in wrestling match.

by Jennifer Dyer

Most days Rachel loves baths. With the sensory issues that accompany her autism, water is often calming. Sadly, on the days she needs a bath the most, she is not in the mood. Last night was one of those times. We’d spent hours outside rolling in the grass. A bath was not an option.

I used the cheerful mommy routine and managed to get her upstairs. I even cajoled her into my bathroom, but she make a quick dodge to the closet. Then the fun began. Ha… Ha…

I drew water into the tub, but she said, “No, no, no.”

Fine. I turned on the shower.

Nope. Back to the closet she went. And sat behind the door with her weight against it.

I turned the tub back on and wormed my way into the closet. Five minutes later, I managed to get her to the tub’s side…six feet away from the closet. With a mighty heave, I picked her up and wrestled her feet into the water. But she escaped when I grabbed for the soap. I sloshed my way over the increasingly wet floor to retrieve her.

As we were both wet, the difficulty of my bath time maneuvers went from a two to a six, on a scale of five. Plus, hubby was gone with eldest, so I had no backup. After ten minutes of wrestling with my child-turned-angry-octopus, I stepped out of the closet and prayed. Loudly. Then I dove back onto the game. By this time it was: Rachel-6, Mommy-0. In a move a wrestler would envy, I got her into a hold and stumbled back to the tub. Even though I slipped on the two inches of water that covered the bathroom floor, I managed to get her into the water. Sadly, I did not get out of the way, so I also went down…under her. But still, at least she was in.

But wait. She feinted right then left and almost escaped. I took a risky dive and pulled her back in long enough to soap her off. Two quick dumps with a cup of water took care of the rinse cycle, as she was back out, drying off. I hauled myself out and, five towels later, had finished drying up the bathroom.

And that was when hubby arrived back home.

Note to self: next time wait for backup.

On the plus side, I got a great workout…

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06 May 2011
Autism • Parenting • Special Needs

Autism and surviving tantrums.

By Jennifer Dyer

As I write this Rachel’s screams and protests echo down the halls of her therapy clinic. Why? She wants to go to the potty. But not just any bathroom. Not any of the five bathrooms available in the therapy clinic. Nope. She wants to go across the campus and use one in the school that is attached to the clinic. As to the reason, I’m not certain. It could bring back memories of a simpler time in her life. Or perhaps it has better acoustics because it is large and filled with storage containers. Maybe she just wants to use that one. Whatever the reason, I told her no and I am having to enforce it.

These sorts of tantrums are common in our family. Rachel—seven-years-old as I write this—is over 4’ tall and weighs 70 pounds. She is strong, agile, loud, opinionated, and stubborn. Long after most children would have given in, she continues to scream and protest. Worse, she cannot be bargained with or disciplined in the manner one might with other children. From what I have read and observed of strong-willed children, Rachel could rule as their dictator for life.

How does a parent manage and survive these sorts of tantrums? Sadly, I don’t always have the answers, but here are some things I have learned:

Let others help you. Today I had trouble physically with Rachel because I didn’t want to drop her iPad (used for communication). A therapist offered to help me, but I turned her down because I didn’t want to make her late to her next appointment. I did, however, ask her to find the therapist we were waiting for. I should have let her help me, though. I accepted help, though, when our therapist arrived and told me I could go. I went. Fast.

Pick your battles to the extent you can. Believe me this one is hard. Sometimes I need Rachel to do something, such as get into the car immediately, but I know I cannot manage it on my own. I either have to wait until I have help or find a way to get her into the car without causing a fit. When this has worked, it has involved me enticing her to chase me with a toy she wants, putting food into the car, or letting her have my iPhone once she steps into the car. This may sound like the wimp’s way out, but there have been days before school where Rachel and I have had thirty minute wrestling matches that could have been avoided if I had chosen a better method to get her out of the house.

Have a strategy in mind. If you are heading to the park or mall or somewhere else where you know a meltdown could occur, go armed with toys that soothe the child or possibly have another adult around who can help you. This does not always work, and I’ve done a lot of praying for help in the moment. Trust God to answer those prayers.

Have a sense of humor. Okay this one is tough, really tough. Not everyone understands what autism entails. There are even people who cling to the idea that children with autism simply need some better discipline and they will be fine. My best advice about dealing with those people is don’t. You have enough stress in your life without letting others hurt you. Find something to laugh about once the situation is over. Life is much more fun when laughter is involved. I keep humorous books all over my house to help me keep my perspective in the tough times. I also have comedian apps on my phone in case I need a quick giggle. And I try to look for a bright side. (For example: Yes, I just fought a big battle with Rachel, but my biceps are quite toned…)

Be consistent. This is difficult for me. My ability to pick battles often depends on my energy level. Some days I can enforce rules that require a lot of energy on my part, but other days I lack energy and strength. Those are the days I take extra vitamins and supplements for energy and must pray for more strength. I am choosier about battles with Rachel, and I might not go on an outing if I lack other people to help.

Learn from your past. Allow your mistakes to be your greatest teacher. Listen to other parents and learn from them, as well.

Keep other parents with special needs children close. Support each other and learn from each other.

Be calm and honest in the midst of trials. I try not to get defensive toward others around me when Rachel is having a tantrum, and I am honest about Rachel’s autism. Most people accept this, but a few will not understand. Again, don’t let that get to you. Also, do your best to keep your voice even and your manner calm. Easy? No, but it helps. I believe children feed off the emotions of their parents.

Keep your perspective. Many days, such as today, I focus on the fact that all things are temporary. True, some trials seem to last forever, but as my mentor used to say, “This is but a blip on the screen of eternity.” So, when you face the various trials of raising a special needs child, take comfort. Heaven is a wonderful place!

The ultimate idea is to keep a support system around you. Pray continually. Don’t do this alone.

Hang in there, my friends!

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