Archive for January 27, 2011

27 Jan 2011
Autism • Parenting

Special needs trust.

by Jennifer Dyer

If you have a special needs child, chances are you have thought about the future and how to take care of your special needs child. We have discussed taking care of our autistic daughter in great detail. In the last few months, several people have recommended that we put together a special needs trust.

Instead of trying to explain it, I am attaching an article. But I will give you some highlights:

See an attorney who specializes in special needs trusts above and beyond estate planning. The wording of the trust is very important.

Note, this is not a trust fund for the child. It it a provision that ensures your child can receive community and Medicaid benefits in addition to any help you can offer them.

There is a lot more to it, so look over the article. And get the trust set up. We are working on it ourselves.

http://www.autism-pdd.net/special-needs-trust.html

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26 Jan 2011
Autism • Parenting

Autism and a full moon.

by Jennifer Dyer

I apologize if you opened this and expected an astronomy lesson… It’s not about that kind of moon.

The other day I took eldest to a friend’s house and the little girl’s grandparents answered the door–her very sophisticated, well-groomed grandparents. While we chatted about pick-up times I noticed their gaze had shifted from me to my van, which was parked just outside the front door. When I turned around I…

Got a full moon! Rachel loves to sit in the van. It’s like her little office where she feels comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that she often strips naked. And she had. Right there in front of my friend’s house. And she was shaking her bare hiney over the steering wheel in our direction.

I wanted to crawl under the car, but what can you do? I laughed and smiled at the sweet grandparents who still had not commented any more than, “She looks happy.”

I shrugged, as if this happened every day and said, “I guess it’s time for me to go.” But I couldn’t resist the opportunity to sweetly remind them of Rachel’s autism–it is a bit of a defense mechanism. (Who wants people to think they let their kids run around naked?) Anyway, I said it with a smile and laughed.

And they laughed with me, which lead to a nice conversation about special needs. When I left they mentioned something about having a lift to their day–one of their little grandchildren was in the hospital, so they were in need of one.

When I got into the car and tried to get Rachel dressed I realized something, well two things: laughter is a gift. And it does happen every day (both the laughter and the naked child in public…)

Autism…the fun never stops. I hope your day includes a laugh no matter what the circumstances.

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14 Jan 2011
Autism • Parenting • real life

Mom wins wrestling match with autistic child…barely.

by Jennifer Dyer

Have you recently had one of THOSE mornings? Around here some mornings go smoothly but others…not so much. Worse, Rachel’s autism tends to make THOSE mornings even more complicated, which was the case the other day.

Rachel has sleep issues; she always has. Lately, her pattern is to awake around 4 a.m. and crawl into bed with another family member. This wouldn’t be a problem if she went back to sleep and didn’t yell in our ears for juice and hot dogs. So, we had one of those long nights where she kept the rest of us up for hours then conked out around 6:30 a.m. Wonderful. Just in time for the rest of us to drag ourselves out of bed. And when Rachel decides to sleep, she is pretty insistent about staying asleep.

So, when it was almost time to leave for school, I began my wake-up ritual in earnest. I tried singing to her, coaxing her, patting her, and even tried to carry her to the car while she slept, but she was having none of it.

I made a desperate move. I called a neighbor to take eldest to school, but she was already gone. Time for a new plan–a tough plan. I took a deep breath and prepared for battle. Rachel used to be a small, frail child. Not anymore. Add to that Rachel’s pre-frontal cortex issues that come with autism (the fight or flight sense is often activated and she has difficulty regulating the amount of force she uses when fighting), and the situation becomes more complicated. In other words, she is really, really strong.

The battle began in a twin bed, which was good. She had less space to squirm away from me. I had her cornered and almost wrestled her to the stairs, but she broke away and hid under the covers of another bed. I pulled those covers off and made another dive, but she was too fast. We rolled around until she broke free and made a break for my bed, where she hid again. I followed and managed to get her down the stairs, only to have her get loose on a technicality–I tried to put on her dress. Back up the stairs she went.

I took a deep breath, said some prayers with eldest, and reminded myself that moms can have incredible strength when it comes to their kids. If moms can lift a car off their children then I could get this one into a car, right?

After another long match, we made it to the car, but she was not giving up. It was like trying to wrestle an angry octopus into a car–she had legs and arms in all directions. But I thought about the incredible mom stories again and hoisted her into the third row seats. With one arm I held the door shut and the other I opened the garage door. Then I jumped in the car and left my door open enough to keep my hand holding the back door closed as I backed out of the driveway and careened down the street.

Eldest was frantic that Rachel wasn’t strapped in. She worried that we’d get a ticket, to which I replied, “Good, then the officer can help me strap her in.”

We pulled over away a block from the house to get situated–I wanted to get far enough away from the house that Rachel wouldn’t try to get back into bed. I thought for sure she would give in at this point and strap in her seat, but no…

I took a deep breath, prayed some more, and remembered my RDI (Relationship Development Intervention). I moved into the middle row of the car and told Rachel to strap in, to which she kicked at me and fussed. But I wasn’t going anywhere until she put on her seatbelt. Fifteen minutes into our staring contest of wills she gave in. We drove in relative peace to her school…although she was naked. (I saved that battle for the school parking lot.)

After it was over I decided to look at the bright side. I’d already worked out for the day and the intensity had been so high that I could treat myself to a fattening drink from Starbucks. You know, my biceps are getting quite defined. Also, I’m thinking maybe Rachel and I could make a workout video for moms…

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13 Jan 2011
Parenting

Parenting: being mom means being an example.

by Jennifer Dyer

The other day eldest had a friend over. Typical of growing children, their first order of business was to search the kitchen for snacks. My daughter wanted to have some of the cupcakes we had just made, but her friend’s family was currently undergoing a sugar detox in their household, so sweets were out.

I told eldest no throughout her entire cupcake campaign. When I had a chance, I pulled her aside and told her that we needed to support our friends. One way she could be a supportive friend in this situation was to eat what her friend could eat, which meant no sugar. Though she wore a dejected frown to tell me how unhappy this made her, she went along with it. They settled on cheese sticks and went upstairs.

Meanwhile, though, I sat downstairs and thought about…cupcakes. They were quite delicious, I must say, and hearing about them so many times had left me with a craving for one. I wrestled with myself for a while. The more I thought about those cupcakes the more I wanted one. As the mom, I could sneak out to the garage and eat one without anyone knowing. It was a good plan, yet…

Before I gave in I had a thought. What if during the moments I shoved cupcake into my mouth, my daughter and her friend found me in the garage snarfing the sweets I had just refused them. Hmm. That wouldn’t be such a good scene. So, I refrained and instead enjoyed the sweet success of being a good example.

Sadly–and this part is hard to admit–as soon as the friend left I gave in to my sweet tooth. And, true to form, I became ill from the sugar rush. Perhaps I should be going along with that sugar detox. Hmm… Well, at least I was a good example when it counted, yes?

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05 Jan 2011
Autism • Parenting

Sick day means mom’s plans change.

by Jennifer Dyer

Sometimes my plans don’t always work out the way I envisioned. Today I had planned to paint over many of the wall murals courtesy of our youngest who has autism. I’d also planned to continue my “keep the kitchen clean” campaign–I’d managed it for a whole three days in a row, after all.

My plans changed early this morning when I heard a desperate, “Mommy!” Instead of a quiet day doing chores, I spent a hectic day running from child to child. Instead of clean walls, I need to scrub Arby’s roast beef out of the bathtub. (Before you gross out about the Arby’s, youngest decided to have a roast beef snack…and then took a bath with it.) After the Arby’s bath, youngest painted the bathroom rugs with soapy water–for the second day in a row–while I attended to big sister’s needs. I suppose it could have been worse than soap, though.

All that being said, I feel satisfied, even if I have a bit of cabin fever to go with it. I have the urge to stand on top of the deck and yell, “I am mommy, hear me roar.” Of course, that could be the cabin fever talking…

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04 Jan 2011
Parenting • real life

Mom gives herself grace.

by Jennifer Dyer

Whether or not you are a mom, I doubt you can handle “it all.” No one can. So, what to do?

A friend called me earlier and said, “You’re not going to believe what I just did.” She went on to describe applying for three jobs. On the first resume she put down the wrong job title, the second she forgot to put a subject on the email, and the third she forgot to sign the form when she dropped it off. Little mistakes, but perhaps costly. Instead of crying about it, though, she laughed. “You can’t do it all,” she said, “and I’m going to trust God that if the job is meant for me it will happen.”

She’s right. She is a mother, wife, full-time home keeper, and a volunteer. It’s no wonder a few little details slipped by. The important thing is to be able to laugh at the little slip ups. Laugh at the past, enjoy the present, and look toward the future. Trust God to take care of all three.

Enjoy today, friends.

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03 Jan 2011
Autism • Parenting • real life • Special Needs

Back to business

by Jennifer Dyer

The holiday season is over. When school let out for the Christmas holiday, the days loomed ahead. Coping with an autistic child outside of her routine can be stressful. How would I entertain Rachel during the long days all the while maintaining my sanity?

Shopping at large stores that have buggies in which Rachel could ride helped, but the days were still long. Traveling went well and she liked all the entertainment family could provide. But there were still a few days of … nothing.

And yet we survived. What has first seemed to be endless days ended before I was ready, and I was the one crying outside of Rachel’s classroom. I’ve wandered the house feeling bereft of purpose and lonely. And I’ve stared at my computer often, not wanting to approach it and get back to work.

Again, lesson learned that I should cherish each day, whether tough or fun. Enjoy the time with my children and make plans to accomplish something once they are occupied.

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