Archive for October 28, 2010

28 Oct 2010
Book Reviews • Parenting • Teens • Tweens

Alex Van Helsing: Vampire Rising. Another good YA read

by Jennifer Dyer

Writer Kevin McGill of GuysCanRead.com recently lamented that decent male protagonists in the YA (young adult fiction) genre were becoming a rare commodity. Not so with Alex from Alex Van Helsing: Vampire Rising by Jason Henderson. Alex is a 14 year-old boy who gets sent to a boarding school in Switzerland after an “incident” at his last school. Soon after he arrives, he comes across a murderous creature in the woods and that is where the trouble starts. For the creature.

I enjoyed this read. Alex is a strong-willed, strong-minded individual who must chose whether or not to take up the Van Helsing family legacy. He has a strong sense of right and wrong and a good sense of humor. The book has very few curse words, hardly any adolescent angst, no sexual overtones, several incidents of well-dealt-with bullying, plenty (and I do mean plenty) of action, and (hurrah) a strong human protagonist. Good and evil are clear, and Alex is the kind of guy most of us would want to get behind in a fight. (Probably far behind, depending on your level of squemishness.) It was a good read from start to finish.

Spoiler alert: I was eeked out by one of the scenes in which Alex discovers a vampire soda fountain of sorts (caged humans being drained of their blood). Pretty gruesome. But this author definitely knows his vampire mythology (along with many other forms of evil mythological monsters). If this is your or your kid’s area of interest, check it out.

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27 Oct 2010
Marriage • Parenting • real life

Sex: Talking with your kids.

By Jennifer Dyer

Sex. It’s everywhere, all the time. Yet, how come the same person who can talk and joke about IT turns blue in the face, breaks out into a sweat, and stutters when his or her kids ask a few questions?

Yes, talking to your kids, especially the ones you helped create with IT, can bring up a few matters you’d rather not share, but sex is one of God’s greatest gifts. And there are plenty of people around, so it does not look as though IT is going out of style anytime soon. So, what to do?

This week a friend shared the “sex” talk she’d had with her seven-year-old son. Their conversation went so well I asked if I could share it with the world.

The topic came up when she came home from the hospital after a hysterectomy. She and her husband explained to the kids that mommy had an operation and one of the results was that she would have no more babies.

Her eldest son asked, “What a minute? How did the babies get in there in the first place?”

She replied: “That happens through sex. When a man and woman love each other they get married. Once they’re married, sex is one of the ways God gave them to show how much they love each other.”

“And what is sex?”

She explained the mechanics. “Sex happens when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina. God gave the man special cells, called semen, which can make a baby when they get into a woman’s body and mix with the cells in the mom’s body called eggs. The baby grows in the uterus.”

Her son thought about this for quite a while then asked. “And how does all this happen? Do you do it in a doctor’s office?”

My friend, with her wonderful sense of humor, replied, “You could, I suppose, if you were into that sort of thing, but usually people have sex in their bedrooms. That’s why mommy and daddy lock their door sometimes. Sex is private time between a husband and wife.”

He left the room and went downstairs, where my friend’s husband took over. “So, son, do you have any questions?”

He shook his head. “I just don’t get it.”

Dad answered, “That’s fine. You’ll have more questions as you grow older, and you know you can always come to us.”

I admire my friend’s ability to share from her heart without embarrassment. I think her children will grow up with a healthy attitude about sex, and they certainly need someone to contrast the messages sent through other sources.

What I am wondering, though, is what they are going to say the next time their door is locked and their son yells, “Hey, Mom and Dad. Are you having some of your private time?”

For another mom’s story, read: http://www.momlifetoday.com/2010/10/talking-to-our-kids-about-sex/

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26 Oct 2010
Autism • Parenting • real life

Autism + blankie left at school + field trip + dentist visit = ?

By Jennifer Dyer

What do you get when you combine all of the above? A sleepless night, grouchy mama, and a naked, screaming child on the way to school.

What a day we had last week! A fun field trip to a pumpkin patch that included Rachel’s most favorite activity: dirt. She had a great time on the hay ride and while the others picked pumpkins, she sat in a dirt pile and tried to bury herself. Afterward, she discovered they had a swing, which made the experience that much better. Even better for her, because I had planned a dentist trip long before I knew there would be a field trip that day, we said goodbye to the school and headed off to Chick fil A for lunch and more playtime.

Rachel had a wonderful time at Chick fil A, although I have to say that the six “neuro-typical” boys in the play area were far wilder and harder to manage than the entire special ed crew that went to the pumpkin patch.

The rest of the day included therapy and picking up big sister at a friend’s house, who happens to have three dogs. As Rachel, much to her mama’s sadness, has developed a fear of dogs, this stressed her out even more.

So, I was not surprised when she was up and down all night, especially since we left blankie at school. Getting her ready for school the next morning was a nightmare that included lots of screaming, tears (mine), and numerous “helpful” suggestions from big sister. In the end, Rachel had parked herself in the car with only her shirt on (and I do mean only) and had done her best to rip the seams in two dresses and a skirt. I made one last attempt to get her dressed after pulling out of the garage.

My thinking was that I couldn’t let her win this battle and believe she could, once again, be naked in the car. We had already spent months fighting the naked-in-the-car battle. But I think the Holy Spirit spoke to me in that moment. Rachel was screaming, big sister would be tardy if we waited any longer, and I was about to lose my temper. I shut (okay slammed) the car door and took a few steps away. “God, I can’t do this!”

I took a deep breath and got into the car. I drove off, got sister to school on time, and arrived at Rachel’s school at the same moment her teacher happened to be running out to her car for something. Coincidence? I think not. With teacher’s help, we got Rachel dressed and off to school. And you know what? The next day she got dressed just fine.

Sometimes the best course of action is to take a deep breath and try again tomorrow.

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25 Oct 2010
Parenting • Teens • Tweens • Uncategorized

Parenting teens: staying close starts early.

by Jennifer Dyer

If I were to write a book about parenting teens, I would entitle it Before the Hormones Hit. From what I remember, what I have been told, and what I have observed, by the time children reach their teens much of the parenting work has been done and it’s time to reinforce.

So, start today, even if you only have little ones. Build into them. Take them out on dates. Find out what interests them and be a part of that. Go to their games and school events. Have lunch with them at school (at least when they’re in elementary–middle school might not go so well…). Play games as a family. Ride bikes together. Find a hobby you can all enjoy. Have fun. Don’t wait until later.

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22 Oct 2010
Parenting • real life • Teens • Tweens

Self-image crises: ways to prevent them in your daughter.

By Jennifer Dyer

Have you ever had an “I-feel-fat” day? What do you do with it? Do you talk about it, obsess about it, make derogatory comments about yourself? Or, dads, do you ever point out your wife’s body issues? Your daughters’?

From a person who had an eating disorder and still struggles with body image into my late 30’s, I have been conscious of this issue with my two daughters. On days where I feel bad about myself, I must edit my comments. On the other side, and unlike myself as a little girl, my eldest is quite thin and I have had to advise her not to brag about being skinny. We also avoid talking about other people being “fat.” The focus I try to keep is being healthy, not on outward appearance, although we try not to go the other way and be sloppy. (It’s a difficult balance to find.)

Dads, what little girls want is to know is that they matter and that they are important. Drawing attention to body issues or even drawing attention to other women’s bodies does not help produce a healthy self-image in your daughter. If she hears you making comments about other women, or sees you staring at certain women, she will incorporate that into her image of self. She may grow to believe that the external is more important than anything else. What catches dad’s attention is often what a daughter will pursue.

Also, avoid pointing out the changes brought on by puberty. Just trust me on this. No boob comments, not pooching tummy comments, no curve comments. If you are a single dad going through the changes brought on my puberty with a daughter, she probably has a friend with a mom who can help you with the more delicate shopping matters and such. You have a tough job, but there’s nothing like having a dad who is your hero, so hang in there!

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21 Oct 2010
Recipes • Uncategorized

Gluten free chocolate cake.

by Jennifer Dyer

It’s obvious by now that I love chocolate, so when I found out I was gluten intolerant I knew I needed to come up with some new recipes. Here is my favorite gluten free chocolate cake recipe that I’ve tried so far. It’s soft, rich, and delicious.

In a separate bowl, mix together dry ingredients:

  • 2 C. sugar
  • 1 3/4 C. gluten free flour substitute (Gluten free Pantry is my favorite. Whole Food’s 365 brand is good, too.)
  • 3/4 C. Hershey’s cocoa
  • 1 1/2 tsp. baking soda

In a mixer bowl combine wet ingredients:

  • 3 eggs
  • 1 C. evaporated milk
  • 1 C. plain Greek yogurt or sour cream
  • 1/2 C. canola oil
  • 2 tsp. vanilla

Heat oven to 350. Add dry ingredients to the wet. Mix on medium speed for 1 to 2 minutes.

Stir in:

  • 1 bag Ghirardelli 60% dark chocolate chips

Bake in 9×13 pan for about 25 minutes until toothpick comes out clean.

Frost with cream cheese buttercream chocolate frosting.

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20 Oct 2010
Parenting • real life • Teens • Tweens

Bullying: when your child may be the perpetrator.

by Jennifer Dyer

At a recent get-together with some friends, some of our kids had an issue. Not a stick-someone’s-head-in-the-toilet-and-post-it-on-YouTube issue, but a little disagreement that left some kids in tears, some in trouble, and most of the adults in confusion. The reasons weren’t important, but I was impressed by the way one mom used the issue to build character in her child.

As we all know, there are multiple sides to every issue. Once the moms got down to the bottom, we realized that some inappropriate “bossiness” had occurred on several sides (which is a huge shock for those of you with tween girls…).

In the aftermath, the mom of one of the involved girls modeled some excellent parenting. She didn’t deny her child’s part in the issue, nor make excuses for the behavior. She didn’t fight with the other moms about it, and she didn’t blame the other kids. She pulled her child aside and spoke to her quietly, so that no one else even noticed. The child was grounded for the incident, but her mother also conveyed to her that it wasn’t necessary to always be the one who is right, nor is it necessary to be the one in control. They had a long dialog about how to treat others and how to interact when disagreements occur.

The mother did not allow her child to toss blame around, either. Instead, she helped her daughter understand how her actions affected others. Later, I saw the girl quietly go to others and apologize, even to some adults.

As this group of kids consists almost entirely of first born children, there are some strong personalities. I had several discussions with my own child about her part in the incident. I conveyed my desire for her to get along with others and how to handle conflict with kindness. We also discussed people’s reactions and how those affected everyone else. We brainstormed ways to react the next time a disagreement occurred. She also owned up to her part, for which I praised her.

As moms, we hope that these little steps toward building character in our children will help them as they prepare for the tumultuous teen years.

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19 Oct 2010
Book Reviews • Current events • Parenting • real life • Teens • Uncategorized

Bullying: who has the power?

by Jennifer Dyer

Bullying is often an issue of power. In many cases the bully-er is not a “bad” person, and they may not even be intending to hurt others. Some kids (and adults) feel the world would be a better place if it were run by them. They tend to mow over others in order to maintain that position of power. Other people enjoy the power they feel from being hateful and rude to others. They usually have some deep psychological issues from their own feelings of inferiority and lack of power. Some people are taught to hate by those around them and may continue to live in that ignorance.

Why is this important to understand? It helps to know the “enemy.” I want my daughter to understand why people do mean things. Are they afraid? Has someone made them feel so small that this is their only way to deal with the world? Perhaps their lives lack compassion, or perhaps they have no idea that they hurt others by their words. Perhaps they lack a personal edit button. Whatever the reason, once we understand the heart of a person it is easier to love them, to deal with them, to pray for them, to forgive them, and to have compassion for them. Forgiving and having compassion for someone who has hurt you is a way to transfer power, so to speak.

In my post for MomLifeToday entitled, “Bullying: How does a mother deal with it?” I spoke of meeting a black woman who had grown up in the deep south before the 1960′s. If anyone understood bullying, it was her. She told me some of the most heart wrenching stories, but instead of living in bitterness, she lived in peace, love, and understanding of those who persecuted her because of her wise mother. Her mother helped her see that the people who hated her just didn’t understand God and His amazing love. They even prayed for those who hurt them as a family. Amazing! Through her parent’s support, she grew into an amazing person in spite of the hate she endured.

In addition to understanding “the enemy,” understanding self is important. I remember an instance where someone “hurt my feelings.” One of my friends shook his head at me and said, “No, he didn’t hurt your feelings. You allowed his actions to have an impact on your feelings. You are giving him the power over your emotions.” Yes, we could argue that this is not always accurate, or that simple, but my friend’s advice helped me see that I had power over how I let others affect me. I could choose, to an extent, how much I let someone’s actions or words to impact my life. Suddenly, I was empowered.

What are some ways you have helped your children understand others and deal with the negative words and actions that have affected them?

Also, a good book for reading and discussing the bullying issue with your children is, Blubber, by Judy Blume.  (Book review on Blubber.)

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18 Oct 2010
Current events • Parenting • Teens

Bullying: keeping perspective.

by Jennifer Dyer

Matthew West‘s inspiration for his latest album came from letters written by his fans. One such letter was about a lonely and isolated boy trying to survive middle school and the mean-spirited, bullying comments that many of his classmates toss in his direction. My heart when out to that boy, as he could be any one of us.

High school and middle school were some of the hardest years of my life, and I still revisit those days occasionally. In my nightmares. I’m usually in my pajamas and looking for a bathroom, only to discover the one and only facility available is in the middle of the student-packed gymnasium. With no walls. Ack!

So, how to make it through the piranha-infested waters of middle and high school? How to make it through the seasons of being a bully target? I’ve already suggested becoming involved in extra-curricular activities and service projects outside of school, so today I want to talk about keeping perspective.

A few months ago I developed an infection that almost took my life. In a moment of near death I prayed to live, for the will to live. And in that same moment I knew it would be hard. I just didn’t know how hard.

How did I make it, at least mentally? Prayer, lot’s of prayer, and perspective. I told myself that it would not last forever even though it felt like it might. My parents, sister, and husband told me the same. I kept my focus on what was important: my children and my family. In the moments where the treatments were akin to torture, and I felt as though my surgeon was the meanest bully on the planet, I thought of my many reasons to survive. And I reminded myself that the pain would not last forever.

So, it is with the teen years. I had many ups and downs–more downs–but in retrospect, it was such a brief time in my life. Today I can think of high school as a mere, but smelly, subway stop where I had to wait until time to go to college and begin the rest of my life, which I have enjoyed very much, cancer and all.

So, whether you are a teen or the parent of a teen trying to navigate through this time in your life, keep your perspective. Parents, help your child keep their perspective. Remind them that the world is a much bigger place than the walls of their schools. Life has different seasons and many subway stops, if you will. Don’t allow difficulties, including difficult people, to make you or your child feel trapped. Keep the perspective that in a few years everything will change.

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16 Oct 2010
Book Reviews • Parenting • Teens

Book review: Meg Cabot’s Ready or Not.

By Jennifer Dyer

I asked the librarian for some of her popular reads in the YA section and Ready or Not by Meg Cabot was one of her picks. As I know many parents are busy and don’t have time to pre-read everything out there, I thought it might be nice to know some of what is available in the YA section.

You may know the name Meg Cabot from her popular Princess Diaries books, which were made into those sweet Disney movies with Julie Andrews. Thinking the books would be like the Disney movies, I borrowed one of the library’s Princess Diaries on CD to listen to with my seven-year-old. Big mistake. In the opening paragraph Princess Mia complains about her period and that her mother is having sex with one of her high-school teachers. After I nearly wrecked the car ripping the CD out of the dash board, I realized that I needed to do a little more homework before I shared books with her.

As the title suggests, Ready or Not seems to be about coming of age and sexual awakening.

The main character has been in a serious dating relationship for several months and is trying to decide when to “Do It.” She misinterprets her boyfriend’s request to join his family on a weekend trip to mean that he is ready to take their relationship to higher sexual level.

In the midst of her angst about whether she is ready or not, she finds herself at a “life art” class where she must sketch a nude man. Her initial reaction is embarrassment. She has difficulty making the sketch look alive and bringing out the background. All this occurs while her boyfriend vacillates between his own drawing and staring at her boobs instead of her face when she talks, which she seems to find thrilling and empowering.

Throughout the book she has conversations about when to start “Doing It” and tries to ready herself for the big moment, including what kind of birth control to use. While at Camp David—did I mention her boyfriend is the president’s son and she sneaks into his bedroom under the President’s nose? Anyway, she sneaks into her boyfriend’s room and asks him when he is going to make his move. He is taken by surprise, as he didn’t have any intentions for a sexual rendezvous, but he happily accepts her “jumping his bones.”

In the final scenes of the book, the couple returns to their art class and drawing the nude male model. This time the main character has no problems making the sketch a complete blend of background and detail. She seems to have shed her childhood embarrassment and innocence and awakened a new sense of maturity. While sketching, she remunerates on her fears that becoming sexually active would take over her mind and her dating relationship. She reports that while she does think about “It” a lot, it hasn’t taken over her entire mind and her relationship with her boyfriend is just the same. At the end, the two make plans for their next sexual encounter—at the White House, no less—while his father is busy with some function or other.

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